Written by Brett Taylor
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Topics: Lady Gaga, vomit

Friday, 28 March 2014

image for I'd Vomit on Lady Gaga for Free
Lady Gaga

Desperate to regain the media spotlight after the lackluster sales of her recent album "Artpop," pop singer Lady Gaga has gotten her name in the news for the dubious act of paying someone to vomit on her, an act that health activists are decrying as a glorification of eating disorders.

"I'm not saying vomit's going to change the world," Gaga is quoted as saying. "When you try something new and strange, people don't know how to react. If this vomiting schtick doesn't work, I'm going to move on to biting the heads off chickens. If I get really desperate I'm going to get gang banged by as many men as I can find, and transexuals will be welcome."

Vomit artist Millie Brown defended her act, saying, "What I do is called vomit art, and it's a legitimate form of expression, the same as painting or driving nails in your scrotum. Both those things were considered shocking and outrageous in the beginning, and both are respected forms of art today. I only hope that someday the museums will be full of people vomiting, and I'll be remembered as a martyr to the vomit cause. I'm not glorifying eating disorders or anything. It's just something I've always done. I vomit. I've been doing pretty much since I was born, except back then I used to shit too."

Teenage girls seem to be turned off by Gaga's latest stunt. One girl, leaving the Texas show, remarked, "That was really gross and stuff. Like, I don't see what's so cool about vomit or puke or whatever. I don't like it."

Likewise, highrow commentators have been unimpressed. Music critic Franklin Priss, referring to the new album, notes, "Frankly I didn't see much art, or pop. But I did see vomit."

For the opinion of the man on the street, we talked to Harlan J. Hedgerow, a Kansan who was passing through town on his way to a farmer's market. He put his opinion thusly: "Hell, I'd vomit on Lady Gaga for free. She don't have tp pay nobody. It's easy for me to vomit. I've heard her new album."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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