Written by V. Krajewski
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Thursday, 9 November 2006

image for White House Opens Last Can of Whoop Ass; Eats It
Chew each bite up real good George

Washington DC (AP) -- The White House found itself with only one can of Campbell's Classic Whoop Ass left in its cabinet this Tuesday night. Due to the startling lack of meal planning evinced by the administration, officials were forced to go ahead and eat their last can of Whoop Ass themselves.

President Bush paced the Oval Office and ate standing up. "I can't even find the dinner table, or a spoon," he remarked, as his steadfast First Lady reminded him that he still had to "chew each bite up real good."

Historical trends show that the current lack of Whoop Ass in the White House is unprecedented. Even in the year 2000, when the President was installed at his post not by popular or electoral vote, but by his father's friends on the Supreme Court, Whoop Ass levels were detectable around the world at nine billion yee haws per cubic mile.

"I've got something they call political whoop ass, and I'm going to make you all eat it," the President famously remarked at his first press conference after the contested election.

Whoop Ass levels peaked just after the 9/11 attacks on America in 2001, when the President announced to the world, "You're either with us, or you're eating our Whoop Ass." Huge stockpiles of Whoop Ass accumulated as country music singer Toby Keith led a national food drive accompanied by his anthem, "We'll Put A Boot in Your Ass, It's the American Way."

Throughout the rest of the administration's tenure, officials have exercised a tight control on Whoop Ass, reminding citizens of just how much Whoop Ass they could open up before each election cycle (see 2000, 2002, 2004).

The current shortage of Whoop Ass is all the more startling because of past surpluses. "We just forgot to go shoppin, and that's that," Mr. Bush told reporters in the Rose Garden on Wednesday.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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