Written by Jalapenoman
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Tuesday, 7 November 2006

image for Election Results Show Some Surprises
Americans have more issues than congressmen at stake in the current elections.

While most election stories will focus on the two major parties gains or losses in Governor, Senate, and House races, this article will focus on some of the other issues being voted on at the polls.

In Arkansas, a constitutional amendment to raise the legal age of consent from 12 to 14 is failing by a wide margin. With 92% of the results in, the vote is currently:

88% opposed
9% in favor
2% left boogers on the ballots and did not punch anything
1% wrote in "can't we lower it some more?"

In California, a proposition to require the governor to lose his accent and learn to speak proper English in full sentences has passed with 100% of the vote.

In Texas, a motion to require all elementary school children to be profient in handgun, rifle, and shotgun shooting and to attend at least one public execution is winning with 87% of the vote counted. The breadkdown is as follows:

98% in favor
2% opposed

Note: the measure would have passed with unanimous success except Texas granted California immigrants the right to vote last year.

In Colorado, voters are to decide whether to make the state drink Coors or Rocky Mountain Spring Water. As Coors is also referred to as Rocky Mountain Spring Water, the issue is moot. Representatives from the brewery are, however, handing out free samples of each to all people before they enter the voting booths.

Florida is trying to decide on an official state mascot. Voters must choose between Mickey Mouse (represting the Orlando Tourism Industry), Julio the cartoon illegal Cuban immigrant and drug dealer, and the hanging chad. Early election returns, before any recounts, show the following results:

33.3334% Mickey Mouse
33.3333% Julio
33.3333% the hanging chad

With only 16% of the vote counted, all major networks (Except Fox News) have declared Mickey Mouse the winner. Fox is giving the race to Julio.

Hawaii has a constitution amendment on the ballot to change the state motto to "get Lei-ed in Hawaii." They are also trying to legalize prostitution. Both items are failing due to an undercurrent of protest from religious groups.

Nevada voters are trying to decide whether or not to change the casino rules to increase the tax on gambling to 10% of the take. This would lower gambler's odds and additonal 10% to the benefit of the house, but would also give the state more money for education, better roads, and a state health plan for retired legalized prostitutes. Odds favor the bill passing by a three to one margin, with the over/under at 250,000 votes cast.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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