Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Topics: Tea Party

Sunday, 2 March 2014

image for Two Shot at Fifth Year Birthday Celebration for the Tea Party

WASHINGTON, DC--This week at the Hyatt Regency the Tea Party Patriots of America celebrated their fifth year anniversary, an event which ended in tragedy as two of its members were shot dead after a dispute over the birthday cake designed for the celebration. The cake featured an angry rattlesnake coiled to strike the nearest big-spending liberal.

The argument began when two of the Tea Party members and attendees, Rep. Louie Gohmert from Texas and Sen. Jeff Sessions from Alabama, got into an argument over whether the snake on the birthday cake was an Eastern Diamondback Rattlesnake, as Sessions maintained, or a Western Diamondback Rattlesnake, as Gohmert claimed it was.

The argument became so heated at one point that Gohmert took a swing at Jeff Sessions who, at that point, being armed like all the celebrants there, took out his Smith and Wesson 57 Magnum and shot Rep. Gohmert three times in the leg and stomach. At that point Gohmert, proudly standing his ground, pulled out his 9mm Glock pistol and returned fire before gasping once and falling over on the disputed cake, dead. Sen. Jeff Sessions was fatally shot twice, once in the head and once in the heart.

Rep. Michele Bachmann, one of the attendees at the celebration standing near Gohmert, was also shot once in the head, but because there were no vital organs there, is expected to survive.

A local herpetologist from the Smithsonian later pointed out that the rattlesnake on the cake, like the one on the Gadsden flag the cake design was modelled on, was indeed an Eastern Diamondback.

Since the two congressmen who bravely stood their ground are both dead, no one is expected to be charged in the altercation.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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