Written by Winston Smith
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Tuesday, 11 February 2014

image for Rand Paul Shops Pander Mountain
Rand's aide lights beacon next to big tent

Sen. Rand Paul on Saturday proclaimed to gathered lobbyists and big money crony donors that "Texas will be a Democrat state within 10 months if you don't make change and pass it out to the less fortunate among the proletariat as they enter this big new republican tent that I just bought." His statement brought thunderous applause from the assembled members of the CBC.

The republican senator from Kentucky, who was in Houston at a dinner with Sen. John Corncob of Texas, resumed his push for making change within the Republican Party, bringing in to the tent fold those less fortunate or lazy souls staying in the previously reliable red states across this nation.

Senator Paul continued his stumped speech after the applause was forcibly stymied by his aides wielding sonic crowd control measures which caused some of the attendees to regurgitate their surf and turf prematurely. "I will not allow this party to be destroyed by the democrats bringing every Toms,Dick into Jane's tent....I mean democrat tent. I have made the biggest commitment of my career today when I purchased the biggest tent ever made. It was on sale at Pander Mountain here in Houston."

At this point in his speech Rand Paul points outside past his audience through the enormous two-story plate-glass window overlooking the fabled gardens of his host to a tent which fully eclipsed them.

"I have purchased, with some of the money that you all gave me, the biggest tent from Pander Mountain that you all can see here arrayed unlike any other with purple and gold. I want us to use the great powers of an omniscient republican controlled government disbursing its confiscated largess to all who will enter therein. I want to fill this tent to overflowing with milk and honey and EyePhone5s. Then will we be loved by all and only detested by the few."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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