WHITE HOUSE (AP) Vice President Dick Cheney today took over all presidential duties after George Bush left the White House for rehab at an undisclosed location. Seated behind the Oval Office desk, Vice President Cheney made a stunning announcement during a televised broadcast, which was covered by all media outlets. "It now appears that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has been molesting President Bush for a number of years. Details of the abusive relationship are still sketchy, but it appears that Rumsfeld lured Bush into his Pentagon office with offers to train Barney to perform tricks. It appears that Barney, the Bush family dog, also suffered abuse at the hands of Rumsfeld, and had to go into doggy rehab."
"President Bush was so ashamed of the abuse by his friend Rumsfeld, that he immediately left office and will be in rehab --- at least until the November elections are over," said Cheney as he ended the stunning announcement from the White House.
Standing at his desk at the Pentagon, Donald Rumsfeld would not reveal the details of the allegations. "These matters are confidential, but I will say right now that Karl Rove and Denny Hastert knew all about this for the past few years. I am very sorry for molesting President Bush and his dog. It probably happened because, as a young Cub Scout, I was rubbed on the back by the Pack Leader."