CAIRO, ILLINOIS Local residents Moses Hammet and Chastity Virginia Morrissey finalized their divorce proceedings on Thursday of this past week. Astute Spoof News reporter Vlad D.M. Paylaw was able to interview the estranged couple in a Pierogie Palace near the District Courthouse after the agreement was sealed. Hammet's new boy-toy Shlomo Zaftig, and Morrissey's lawyer Ephraim Goldfisch were also present.
Hammet began the interview by stating that, while he was initially annoyed by (private detective) Trixie Scopes' intrusive methods, her evidence made him own up to a basic fact about himself: "I'm basically as gay as a tree full of chickadees", were his exact words.
Morrissey continued: "Moe's really a sweet man. It's not his fault that he has no desire whatsoever to sling me over his shoulder, carry me up the stairs, throw me down on the bed, lift my dress up over my eyes, and turn me into a steaming puddle of sweet agony".
Her eyes misting over, she added: "In due time, I'll find a real man, one who will let me power-straddle his manhood until my lips quiver, my toes curl, and my glistening sweaty body erupts in a tempest of ecstatic shrieks, moans, screams, wails, cackles, parrot squawks, bonobo hoots and coyote howls.
"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to head down to the laundromat. There's a really hot guy who goes there on Thursday nights."
After she left, Hammet said, in a hushed voice: "Bonobo hoots? I really had no idea."
Zaftig added: "Moe and I really don't get that crazy. Mainly we just watch figure skating on TV, or maybe head out to a Star Trek convention."
When asked for his comments, Goldfisch simply said: "I think the message for the ladies is to go for a test-drive before making a commitment."