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Thursday, 12 September 2013

image for Kabbalists predict tough Friday the 13th followed by seismic Yom Kippur
The consequences of injecting shellfish into the sexual act

New York - Rabbis at New York's Kabbalah Institute for Diaspora Stuff are wrestling with the thorny issue of karma ahead of Yom Kippur, the year's most sombre feast day.

Day of Atonement rituals set to begin around sunset tomorrow are causing angst among the flock's numerologists, fearful that hunches about Friday the 13th may hex the annual holy event.

"The last time Yom Kippur began on the night of Friday the 13th was back in AD70," the Institute's Rabbi Shlomo Slivovitz explained, "triggering the Romans' destruction of the Second Temple and the Siege of Jerusalem.

"Prior to that the Babylonians' 586BC destruction of the First Temple also began at dusk on the Friday the 13th start to Yom Kippur."

This year's Atonement and Repentance observations will be taking place against a backdrop of superstitious Kabbalah chit-chat that backers of a new Third Temple have fallen into a massive anti-Zionist trap.

"All this talk of putting up a new Dome of the Rock erection is blighted by the science of numbers," Slivovitz added, "with the 13th being the number of death in the Tarot Major Arcana."

Third Temple enthusiasts are also being blamed for a skewed interpretation of unambiguous ancient Jewish sex-magic teachings about the karmic consequences of ignoring such stuff.

Marital guidelines followed by the majority of Kabbalists include the banning of male masturbation [to stop abandoned sperm metamorphosing into incubus sex demons], no male orgasming ahead of a woman [in case it injects shellfish++ - er...selfishness! - into the act'] and keeping the light on during murky Saturday mornings because copulating early on that day brings brownie points in the afterlife.

An updated version is currently under approval to include gay relationships and LGBT matters previously rejected by Talmudic scholars as an affront to everyday human decency.

Last chance for a pre-fasting/atoning/repenting quickie or hand-job end tomorrow around 7pm NYC time.

++ Shellfish and other crustacean bottom feeders are considered non-Kosher.

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