Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Saturday, 13 July 2013

image for Republicans Call for "Starve Your Poor" Legislation

WASHINGTON, DC--Having had such success nationwide with the Stand Your Ground laws, Republicans in the House and Senate are now calling for passage of a law they call the "Starve Your Poor Bill." This bill, which Republicans are selling as a self-defense measure, would protect hard-working Americans from what the disciples of Ayn Rand call the "moochers and the takers"--i. e. the poor--by starving them to death, so that they will not be an imminent threat to society.

Explained Senator Ted Schmooze of Texas, whose state legislature is already poised to pass such a bill, "The poor, let's face it, are an economic drain on the rest of us Americans. We have the right to defend ourselves against such a threat. Like that heroic man George Zimmerman, we have to take out this threat before it takes us out."

Another member of the House who supports the bill added: "As the Good Book says, 'God helps those who help themselves!'" But when Bible-savvy reporter Michael Harrington from The Washington Post pointed out that nowhere in the Bible does that quote appear, the House member replied, "It doesn't?"

Harrington then persisted with, "But Jesus does say, in the Bible, Then he looked up at his disciples and said: 'Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God.'"

The House member, astonished, replied. "Jesus said that in the Bible? Where? It's been a while since I read that one, I've been so busy protecting hard-working Americans in my district from the poor."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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