Written by Samuel Vargo
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Tuesday, 25 June 2013

image for NRA: "Getting shot with bullets can be good for your health"

Yet another absolutely inane comment coming from an NRA leader has sparked outrage among the United States' citizenry. Today, NRA Deputy of Bullets Czar Randy "Bubba" Beaufordt issued a statement that stated getting hit by bullets "can actually be good for your health."

"And it all has to do with bloodletting," Beaufordt states in a long, rambling, oftentimes contradictory press release. "George Washington developed an infection in his throat from weather exposure and bloodletting was used as a remedy. In ten hours, nearly four liters of blood was drained from the first President. Unfortunately, Washington died from a throat infection in 1799. Oh well, we can't win them all, can we?"

"Bloodletting was one of the most commonly used forms of medicine practiced from the days of antiquity until the 19th Century. This medical procedure was utilized for more than 2,000 years. The NRA feels its medical wonders are still applicable in the world of modern medicine," he adds.

"Bloodletting was used by the Mesopotamians, Egyptians, and Greeks," Beaufordt writes. "The earliest physicians believed that the human body just creates too much blood. Some of this blood has to be released for wellness. About the quickest and easiest way to do this, as far as the NRA is concerned, is for a human being to be riddled with bullets."

Leeches were one of the most commonly used forms of bloodletting in ancient times to get 'bad blood' out of the human body. Doctors of long ago felt that less blood caused a better pulse and more normal blood pressure, and the NRA suggests that bullets are quicker and better than the gooey, mucky oligochaetes. And less messy and gross, of course.

"The masses don't want these slimy primordial insects all over their bodies. Nobody likes these segmented worms. Even other worms don't like them. It's best to keep them isolated at the bottom of stagnant lakes and slow-moving creeks and rivers. We suggest that bullets be used instead of leeches. The bigger the bullet, the better. Stay away from those bloodsucking worms and long sharp needles," Beaufordt writes.

"And here's where the AK-15 and other military-styled, voraciously-violent firearms come into play. The NRA feels the best, most-effective, sure-fire way to let blood out of the body is through the use of these nifty semi-automatics," he writes.

Not everyone is awed by the NRA's latest political spin, though. In fact, these ridiculous comments have sparked outrage. In a matter of only three hours, 500,000 tweets were recorded on Twitter and 99% of them disparaged Bubba Beaufordt's remarks and maligned the NRA's motives and intents.

Fuk da NRA. Fuk da bullitts & Fuk Bubba, said one tweet.

Dats da dumest ting I ever herd. Wot a numskull, another wrote.

bULLITS IS FER SHOOTIN COWS, raBITZ & DEARS, another said.

I gotz nuttin againzst bullits, but Bubba is crazy. Sendz him back to Marzzzz, Its safe fer him to shoot gunzzz their. someone tweeted.


I conducted a man-on-the-street interview in San Francisco. The consensus of those interviewed were shocked and outraged about the NRA's latest press release.

"This is yet another absolutely stupid comment about gun rights," said an obvious pacifist sitting on a bus-stop bench in the Haight-Ashbury. "Let these idiots keep making these brazen comments and there isn't going to be any guns. None. If these gun-toting, frothing-at-the-mouth idiots get mad about something and want revenge, let them throw rocks at each other."

The woman, who wore a tie-dyed tee-shirt with a large peace sign emblazoned on it, played with flowers in her long reddish hair during the interview. She said it wouldn't be long before idiotic Second Amendment thumpers have this amendment kicked out of the Constitution for good and trampled upon by a consensus of U.S. citizens.

"I don't want to get pelted by bullets," said another peacekeeping soul nearby. "I like leeches. They're a lot more docile than lead projectiles and I think you can control them better than bullets. If we're going to go back to the wonders of early medicine, let's at least use history as a guiding force. I mean, how many bullets are too many? We live in a society that's constantly screaming 'more is better.' But if I was hit by 30 or 40 of these nasty things - or even two or three of them - it could be lights out for me for good," he said.

"Now don't get me wrong, modern marvels are one thing, but having too much of a good thing can be bad. Let's not overdo it. I can see the NRA's argument that bloodletting should be considered as a way to a better and healthier me, but too much of a good thing can prove to be very unhealthy.

"But I'm no doctor, so who am I to say? I'm just a jaded, cynical, old hippy who'd really like to see marijuana legalized. I mean marijuana's never killed anybody. There's never been one documented case of someone who's overdosed by smoking too much pot. But I know for a fact that bullets have killed multitudes . . . . Man, I could really use a good toke right now. Do you have any, man?" this amicable, longhaired, easy-going chap said.

Meanwhile, the White House refused to even give a response to Beaufordt's ludicrous comments. A spokesman there said these comments were so incredibly stupid and arrogant that the President simply laughed sardonically and bitterly. President Barack Obama's proposals to keep some types of military-style machine guns banned; have mandatory background checks for those wanting to purchase firearms at gun auctions, temporary tent sales, and flea markets; and limiting magazine sizes of firearms, were all rejected by U.S. Congress in mid-March, even though polls suggest that 90% of Americans supported putting some limitations on gun sales.

The Newtown, Conn., massacre, where 20 little children and six teachers were gunned down Dec. 14, 2012, by a psychotic William Lanza, was the absolute last straw for Obama. The President was visibly shaken by this abominable event, and addressed the American populace with tears in his eyes and a trembling timbre. Not long before, another sociopathic psychotic lunatic, James Holmes, dressed in a Joker from "Batman" costume, opened fire with an AK-15, killing 12 and injuring 70 in an Aurora, Colo., movie theater. And the bloodthirsty misfits who killed and injured fellow students at Columbine High School in April, 1999, also used semi-automatics. There are other examples, too many to expound upon in a brief article, however.

According to The Huffington Post, gun-related homicides and accidents throughout the United States tallied to more than 100 in the week following Newtown. After seven weeks following this New England tragedy, 1,475 shooting incidents were recorded, including a few suicides and police-involved firearms fatalities.

The NRA, along with some gun manufacturer executives like Freedom Group Chief Executive Officer George Kollitides, have recently been making absolutely stupid remarks concerning gun rights. "It's very easy to blame an inanimate object. Any kind of instrument in the wrong hands can be put to evil use. This comes down to interest - criminal behavior, accountability and responsibility," Kollitides is actually quoted as saying in the Washington Times about a week ago. The Freedom Group consists of a family of companies that make firearms, including the Bushmaster, a semi-automatic, machine-gun-style weapon used to kill innocents at Newtown.

Kollitides' comments have outraged many Americans. Social networking sites went crazy with legions of opinions lambasting his remarks. His blatant, silly, nebulous articulations defy all logic in the conservative Washington Times. As a matter of fact, Kollitides is actually quoted as saying, "guns don't kill people, people kill people," with the implication that taking away firearms won't work if people are determined to kill others. He gives no opinion on how these "inanimate objects" can be kept out of the wrong hands, however.

Only a week after the Newtown massacre, the NRA came on record advocating that each school should use armed guards and schools should even arm teachers with guns. "The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun," said Wayne LaPierre, NRA chief executive officer.

Bubba Beaufordt said in his press release, "We are now advocating that old WW-II surplus Howitzer tanks, bazookas, and even left-over Light Antitank Weapons used in Vietnam be readily available to all schoolteachers and administrators. These defense devices should be equipped in every room at each school, along with having them within an arm's reach inside playground and recreational areas.

"We also think it would be a very good idea for each student, teacher, and administrator at all schools in the United States to be required to wear bullet-proof vests during each school day. Vests that thwart-off armor-piercing bullets, like ammo used by semi-automatics, are highly recommended."

So now it's up to the American Medical Association to decide if bloodletting should be brought back as a form of medicine, and if bullets should be used as a possible remedy. Don't slit your wrists in the meantime and don't shoot yourself.

And in the meantime, keep trying to dodge the bullets coming your way.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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