Written by DP Whitehead
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Topics: Cannibalism

Monday, 17 June 2013

image for I-95 Traffic Snarl Up Leads To Cannibalism

Two college buddies headed to Florida from their home in Richmond have been arrested and charged with murder after eating the third member of their group after being held up in traffic on the I-95.

Brian James and Steven Brookes, both 21 year-old students, claim that they had no choice but to kill and eat traveling companion Gerry "Big Boy" Newton, both claiming that it was either "them or him".

According to police reports the two accused claim that they were stuck in an appalling traffic jam 25 miles south of Brunswick, Georgia, when they decided their only hope of survival was to eat Gerry. Stationary for 20 minutes, police believe the pair panicked and began gnawing on their friends arms, then thighs - before devouring his feet.

Both men have admitted that they may have resorted to cannibalism slightly prematurely as just 5 minutes after eating their buddy, traffic began moving again and lo and behold, at the next turn off there was a perfectly fine "Waffle House" restaurant offering all you can eat chicken wings for $10.

Police have advised other travelers, who may find themselves stuck on the I-95, not to eat travel companions unless absolutely necessary and wait at least 2 hours and then, if traffic does not start moving, and only then, consider eating 'the one with the most flesh...or the one you hate the most.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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