Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Friday, 24 May 2013

image for In Advance of Hurricane Season, God Issues an Apology for Body Count

NEW ORLEANS In advance of this year's hurricane season, St. Peter issued the body count from this year's devastation, saying that the count would hover somewhere in the neighborhood of 520 (with the count in Texas expected to be highest among the coastal states, since so many Texans lack health insurance).

Said St. Peter: "God wants to issue a body count so that those who pre-plan their funerals will have plenty of advance warning before the storms hit this summer. He also wants to apologize to anyone who might become inconvenienced through death." When asked by the press if specific names could be provided, instead of a general body count, St. Peter replied, "No. To alert the pre-deceased to their potential fate would interfere with God's omniscience and omnipotence."

One irate reporter from Gallatin, Texas, then asked, "So what are we supposed to do to protect ourselves from potential fatalities resulting from these hurricanes?" St. Peter replied: "Pray. And hope for miracles."

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