Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Thursday, 23 May 2013

image for 75% of Angels Believe Americans Are Really, Really Gullible

In recent polling by the Phew Research Center for Celestial Affairs, nearly three-fourths of the angels polled in a survey indicated that they think Americans who believe that guardian angels watch over everything they do day in and day out are either incredibly gullible or lack basic critical thinking skills. Said Andrew Murray, of the Phew Research Center for Celestial Affairs: "Our polling indicates that most angels don't think all that much of the creatures their Creator populated the earth with. By a large majority (nearly 75%), most of the respondents thought that Americans who believe in guardian angels are not, to put it lightly, the brightest bulbs in the room."

Especially galling to most of the angels surveyed is the idea that they are somehow paired off with Americans to look over their lives day by day. Said one respondent: "Look, if some f---head has a tire go out and sits around on the berm of the expressway waiting for me to show up, he's an idiot. I've got better things to do. That's what AAA is for." Said another angel surveyed: "Heaven has some of the greatest golf courses in the universe, bar none. You think I'm going to give up a good day of golf to help some schmuck who has hit rock bottom? Jeesh. These people are idiots!"

The Phew Research Center also asked angels about the belief, common among many Americans, that their deceased, when they die, immediately pop up in heaven in the form of an angel. Responded one angel named Herald to this common belief: "Ha ha ha ha ha! He he! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Let me catch my breath a minute."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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