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Topics: Politics, Texas

Monday, 20 May 2013

A spokesperson for the R.A. announced its decision yesterday, saying: "Texas is too big, too different, and just too damn difficult to remain in the union... and they never wanted to be a part of the United States, anyway."

One of the provisions in the 600 page document that lay out the details of the sequestration of the former state includes the transfer of the popular music and art festival SXSW from Austin to Portland, Oregon where it will now be known as NXNW. Violent protests broke out in the city of Austin at the news.

Certain political legacies, including those of Ann Richards, Barbara Jordan, Molly Ivins, and extracts from L.B.J.'s career (namely, civil rights legislation) are to be liberated and annexed by the remaining states. The cultural legacies of Janis Joplin and Stevie Ray are also to be appropriated.

Other cultural properties, including those of Willy Nelson and Lyle Lovett are being encouraged to emigrate from the former state. Kid Rock and Ted Nugent are encouraged to remain there.

Ted Cruz, Dick Armey, Tom Delay, Rick Perry, and W. are enjoined from travel outside the borders of the new nation.

When asked how the change in the status of Texas might its residents, the spokesperson said, "We don't think that most of them will notice any difference at all. They'll go their own way, as they always have."

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