Written by who needs truth
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Saturday, 18 May 2013

A dangerous new cleaver-juggling craze in America threatens to cut a deep gash in the population as President Obama, clearly bedraggled from recent Congress pressure, declared his support for the extreme sport.

The craze was started by Lincoln Abrahams, a street performer in Tallahassee, Florida (he is now performing adverts for a leading cutlery company). As simple as it is moronic, Mr Abrahams' routine, which typically involves juggling 3-5 cleavers at a time, went viral last week and now has over 190 views on Youtube.

Although Mr Abrahams is credited for the birth of this craze, many recognise there are more talented cleaver-jugglers (or blade-tossers, as they are sometimes referred to) out there who can juggle with up to 30 cleavers, sometimes more.

Many finishing moves have been invented, the most popular being catching a cleaver in your teeth (whilst the remaining are caught by hand). Another well-known finishing move to the trick involves catching all the cleavers behind your back. One artist, who goes by the nickname 'Bubba No-Fingers', has his own finishing move which involves juggling with 10 cleavers and letting them all fall on to his fingers as a finishing move. He has only performed this move once.

Naturally, there have been some reports of severed limbs, and sometimes deaths. So far, 153 people have been killed by this craze, and a further 147,801 have suffered severed limbs (most often finger loss).
Despite the apparent rich ground for controversy, Barack Obama voiced his support for the extreme sport. He also discredited Mitt Romney's claims that he had "obvious cleaving talent" as "pure speculation at this stage", and challenged him to prove his talent on a live broadcast.

Rather than deal with the IRS, Obama has instead distracted himself by diving head-first into the bloody world of cleaver-juggling. So far there have been no reports of any injuries to President Obama, despite claims that he is practicing over 7 hours a day on a variety of finishing moves.

Like all good crazes, this one should die down in a few weeks. Only then can we truly scale the horrendous consequences behind Obama's voice of support for this suicidal activity.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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