Written by Emily Sawyer
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Wednesday, 17 April 2013

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Authorities in Boston Urge Public Assistance

MIAMI-April 17, 2013- Authorities have released new information regarding Monday's Boston Marathon Bomber and are urging the public to assist in his apprehension. The Bomber is thought to be responsible for Monday's terrifying terror attack that left 3 dead and more than 170 injured.

FBI Special Agent and psychological profiler Clarice Starling shared this description "The guy we are looking for is a total psycho and a complete asshole, a real "piece of work" as we say in Bureau parlance." Boston Bureau Bomb Squad specialist Jack Crawford added "We are talking about a guy with zero to no friends, an IQ of about 14, and the morals of a lobotomized war criminal."

"Someone out there knows this guy" says Starling "they probably saw him playing with himself in the park, speaking in tongues, while collecting stray nails."

Authorities are still gathering video and pictures from the scene but have issued a descriptor of a "person of interest" seen in some of the footage. Though the perpetrator's identity is obscured, some of the grainy images indicate that his accomplice had horns, cloven hooves, a tail, and was seen carrying a pitchfork.

Satan's defense attorney, Max McMann, was quick to provide an alibi. "My client was out of town during Monday's terrible tragedy, in Philadelphia, at Dr. Gosnell's trial."

Anyone with information, pictures, or video is urged to call the Boston Police Tip Line.

On a related note. Massachusetts lawmakers have begun drafting a bill to reinstate the state's death penalty.

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