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Monday, 15 April 2013

image for Fiona Shaw planned out affair with Dakota Fanning
Two of Fiona Shaw's teen girlfriends.

Dakota Fanning has added her name to an ever-increasing list of women who have come forward or been called out for reportedly having affairs with old Fiona Shaw, bringing the tally to at least nine.

Tabloids over the weekend named teen star Selena Gomez and pancake lover Lady Gaga as two of the names on Shaw's steamy scorecard, raising the question of how Shaw would have been able to keep so many affairs secret for so long.

The answer appears to be the fact that Fiona Shaw is a careful planner who portrays a squeaky clean reputation.

Shaw did research to find out how people could get exposed in affairs. She interviewed people on the streets trying to find out why people don't visit motels anymore and she discovered that 80 percent of motel customers were people having affairs and 20 percent were poor tourist that needed low priced accommodations while traveling.

To cover up her tracks in an affair Shaw employed common sense to prevent herself from becoming exposed. She realized that the solution to prevent exposure was to become elusive. She decided not to use motels for her affairs, but instead opted to use a large Bayliner RV vehicle parked at a camp ground to have her affairs. Fanning wasn't too happy with the thought of performing cunniligus for hours on end in a quite camp ground.

From her research she discovered that ever since motels began installing security cameras, people became fearful that their private lives would be exposed and they stopped visiting motels to have extra marital affairs as well as other types of sexual affairs. That is what the statistics she took told her.

She made recommendations to motel owners that if they want to increase the sales at their motels, they will have to remove all security cameras and replace them with one security guard that patrols the parking lot.

"On the receipts it should say that there is no security cameras on the property and that customers are encouraged to report problems to the security guard," said Shaw.

Through word of mouth it will spread that their motels are great for having affairs because there is no security cameras recording the sexual affairs. The key word to use on the receipt is "problem" because this prevents customers from harassing each other. The word "problem" refers to any type of problem that affects individual customers and it doesn't turn customers into trouble makers.

As explained by Shaw, the security guard should be given an Ipad that has the name of customers and the color of cars for each customer's parking space, so he can check on suspicious cars. The security guard can be alerted to any car that enters the motel parking lot that didn't pay for a room. Each key should have a large green card and customers should be told to walk around with their guest holding the key so the security guard can see that they are customers.

Customers could have a large yellow card to put on top of their vehicle dash board and the dash boards of their guest, or the yellow card could hang on their mirrors, so security can identify suspicious vehicles. They would have to instruct in-house security and leased security personal.

Shaw says that this will improve security at the motel beyond security cameras and with no security cameras sales will increase and so will profits. One in-house security guard is always cheaper than leased security guards. The security guard can even report to maintenance any glass on the floor or any spilled beverages or containers found on the parking lot.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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