Written by DP Whitehead
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Friday, 18 January 2013

In what many are calling a harsh punishment, disgraced cheater and confirmed liar, bully, twat and complete and utter bastard, Lance Armstrong, has been court ordered to pedal Oprah Winfrey around for 3 months as her personal pedicab driver.

Some, including critics of the repugnant Armstrong, including this writer, are concerned that the punishment is simply too harsh.

"I know he did wrong, I mean he lied, bullied, cheated, conned and maybe even he killed puppies, though that hasn't been confirmed yet...oh yeah, and the kitten thing, you know where he may or may not have used kittens as target practice, I read that on the internet, anyway, even he doesn't deserve to spend 3 months in agony, pulling around a massive gargantuan TV personality....it is a cruel and unusual punishment" said no one in particular.

Armstrong, it has been reported, is said to be devastated by the punishment and has sworn never to lie again.

Winfrey, who famously likes to be driven in her pedicab everywhere, especially to the bank and to "all you can eat and more" buffets, along with her celebrity pals Rosie O' Donnell and Michael Moore is said to be not only delighted, but extremely heavy.

"It's going to take some balls from Armstrong to pull this off" said another made up person, of course desperately trying to link in Armstrong's testicular shortage into this story as a rather weak and unnecessary punchline.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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