WASHINGTON, D.C. - The United States Postal Service has found itself in the worse financial situation in history.
According to official U.S. Government data reports, the USPS lost an amazingly unbelievable total of $5.2 billion during the third quarter of 2012.
A lot of this loss can be directly attributed to the decline in the sale of postage stamps.
Some of the nation's top postal officials have decided that in order to stimulate sagging postage stamp sales they will begin issuing new postage stamps featuring nude pictures of Stacy Keibler, Jennifer Lopez, Rihanna, Shakira, Scarlett Johansson, Sofia Vergara, and Brooklyn Decker.
USPS spokesperson Kinsey "Zip Code" Zippafesti said that postal workers are also going to be asked to take a pay cut.
He remarked that he knows they are not going to like what the government is proposing but they will be offered a new contract calling for them to receive the national minimum wage which is $6.55 an hour.
Zippafesti stated that it is a matter of take it or leave it. He further added that the Post Office Department already has about 7 million unemployed individuals who have filled out job applications and who will jump at the chance to get a job even if it pays the minimum wage and does not include dental benefits or free anger management classes.
SIDENOTE: The new nude postage stamps featuring some of America's most popular female celebrities will hit the Post Office machines on December 1, just in time for the Christmas rush.