Written by Crass Clown
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Topics: Jesus, Bible

Monday, 24 September 2012

image for New Gospel Found: Son of Man Was Ladies Man
Jesus before a big date.

The recent discovery of a papyrus fragment suggesting that Jesus had a wife has caused a stir in academic and religious circles. While some might be pleased to learn about a more human side of the Messiah, others feel that the evidence is a forgery which is unfairly challenging their faith.

To everyone's surprise, a new papyrus fragment of a lost gospel now proves that Jesus never married. However, according to a lengthy but somewhat tattered fragment, he actually dated around quite a bit before he made a name for himself performing miracles. In other words, before he was the Son of Man, he was a ladies man.

An awkward teenager, Jesus was something of a late bloomer. He was lanky, prone to extreme acne, and had serious trouble talking to girls. In fact, the evidence suggests that Mary Magdalene was the only girl in school who would even give him the time of day. However, her interests were not romantic. She just thought he was a "nice guy" and enjoyed his friendship because "he was such a good listener." Apparently Jesus always wanted to be more than friends.

Once Jesus turned 18, he finally started growing a beard, moved out of his parents' house, and got a hip bachelor pad with John the Baptist, who in many ways became his mentor. John was much more outgoing than Jesus and with a few pointers, Jesus was starting to develop a real social life.

Jesus frustrated his conservative family when he started dating a Samaritan woman. At first she thought he was just shy, but after a while she got suspicious when she noticed that he only wanted to meet her at a remote well. It turns out he was cheating on her with the daughter of a local Pharisee.

Despite all his opportunities, Jesus never settled down. His last girlfriend claimed that after a few years of success with the ladies, he started developing quite an ego: "He always reminded me how special he thought he was....and then he would mumble something about his father. Honestly, it was like he thought he was God!" One incomplete passage suggests that Jesus had a serious problem with commitment. Jesus is quoted as saying, "I just don't see myself....a one woman guy...no fun."

Sometime between Jesus' mid and late 20's, he started performing miracles. When he first turned water into wine, it was a big hit. But as he continued and things got more elaborate, it really turned off the ladies. Mostly they didn't like hanging out with lepers and people who were demon possessed.

In the end, Jesus alienated himself from his people and got arrested on some trumped-up charges. The Son of Man's legacy may have been saving humanity from their sins, but his real passion was being a ladies man.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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