Philadelphia, PA-- A local spinster finds herself behind bars today after she was arrested for loitering on Facebook. Police sources say Miss Vicky Smegma was taken into custody after a tip from Facebook headquarters. Miss Smegma will face the gallows if found guilty.
Tough new laws to prevent Facebook loitering have been passed in the last few months. Loitering is defined as "only viewing posts and never replying to posts". Facebook attorneys believe such behavior can lead to more serious crimes such as stalking and terrorism.
Miss Smegma is specifically charged with looking at her cousin's Facebook pictures and not adding a comment.
"She is the lowest of the low. Always lurking and loitering about and never contributing anything." said Facebook detective Inspector Jap. "She's going to swing for this one."
Miss Smegma's only defense is that she didn't have her reading glasses on, and couldn't respond to the post. She denies all the charges.
"Look, whenever someone goes on Facebook they are being watched. We can even turn on the laptop's camera and record people while they are on Facebook. There is no privacy on Facebook--it's a dictatorship." said the detective.
Inspector Jap then produced a photo of Miss Smegma wearing her reading glasses while on Facebook. The photo was taken without Miss Smegma's knowledge.
"She's a liar. She's a lurker. She's a loiterer. She's going to hang for it, I guarantee it!" snickered Inspector Jap.
Miss Smegma then confessed to the charges and pleaded for mercy. The court rejected her plea. She will be hung at noon tomorrow. Pictures of her hanging will be posted on her Facebook page as a warning to all lurkers and loiterers.