Written by Hydrogen Balloon
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Sunday, 2 September 2012

image for Facebook Rejections Make Spinster Suicidal
Still Lonely

Philadelphia, PA-- A complete rejection by Facebook friends has made a local spinster become suicidal. Miss Vicky Smegma joined Facebook six months ago and sent out hundreds of friend requests. No one ever bothered to answer them.

Miss Vicky Smegma always felt different than most people. She never made any friends in high school or college. No man ever asked her out on a date or ever tried to kiss her. Her family members thought she was weird, and didn't want anything to do with her. Eventually, she got a job as a high-school teacher and retired last year when she turned 75.

Miss Smegma first tried contacting her brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews through Facebook.

Everyone ignored her.

She next tried contacting her former co-workers and former students she thought she was friendly with from before she retired.

No one replied back.

Miss Smegma then sent out dozens of friend requests to her neighbors, her former schoolmates, her mailman--anyone she could think of.

Not one person on the planet wanted anything to do with her.

The desperate Miss Smegma shook with anguish and dread at the rejection. She hugged herself and rocked back and forth while sitting in front of her computer.

"No one likes me!" said Miss Smegma to herself. "I'm not leaving this computer until someone answers my Facebook friend request, I don't care if I die!" she swore to herself.

Miss Smegma sat at her computer for days without food or water just waiting for anyone to reply. Finally, she passed out and slid beneath her chair to the floor. As she was passing out for the last time, she noticed something about the wires going into her computer. A wire wasn't plugged in--she had lost her Internet connection months ago and never realized it.

"What a fool I've been my whole life!" murmured Miss Smegma. "No one has ever received any of my Facebook requests!" she suddenly realized.

Miss Smegma found the strength to call 911 and get help. She was hospitalized in the mental ward for months, but finally recovered and was sent back home. One of the first things she did after returning home was to send out some fresh Facebook friend requests to everyone she knows.

"Everything is working fine! I'll send some Facebook friend requests to my family first--I'm sure they love me!" said Miss Smegma as she smiled to herself.

Everyone ignored her.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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