BILLINGSGATE POST - On the final day of 2012 Summer Games, the USA Team, comprised of four members of the elite Chicago Vice Lords, shocked the sports world by defeating the Mayhem Relay Team of Kabul, said to be responsible for over 900 deaths of both NATO forces and innocent civilians this past year.
The Olympic Mayhem Relay requires the first runner to hotwire a locked 2012 Cadillac Escalade, crash it into an apppliance store, grab a 52 inch Panasonic TV, run 100 yards, carrying it missionary style, and hand it off to the next runner. The second member of the relay team, upon taking the handoff, must sell the purloined TV and use the proceeds to buy an AK47, which he hands off to the third member of the relay team at the end of his leg of the relay.
The third runner must load a 50 round magazine into the AK47 while running full blast, test fire the weapon by blowing the ceremonial white pigeons off their perches, and then hand off the firearm to the waiting anchor man, who then fires the weapon into the crowd killing innocent spectators.
Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel handpicked the American team, mostly card-carrying member of the aforementioned Chicago Vice Lords, who have averaged over 20 killings a month for the past two years, nowhere near the historical peak of the early 1990s when Chicago recorded roughly 900 homicides a year.
The losing team from Kabul was hand picked by the Taliban. Many of these men cut their teeth making IEDs (Improvised Explosive Devices). As is usually the case when third world nations pit their best against the Americans, it takes awhile for them to be competitive. As with our basketball team, sooner, rather than later, the Kabuli's will learn the game and kick our ass in this sport. After all, some of them had never seen a flat-screen TV until they arrived in London.
Residents from the most-violent neighborhoods of Chicago and Kabul can be proud of their sons for winning the Gold and Silver medals, respectively. The Bronze medal went to the team from Baghdad. If all goes well, the International Olympic Committee plans to have women teams compete in this relay in the 2016 Olympics.