Written by K.C. Bell
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Monday, 5 June 2006

image for Bush Bans Gay Divorce
"Don't switch the camera."

Associated Guess International has announced that in an effort to appease and secure his fragmenting religious Christian base, President George W. Bush plans to introduce an amendment to the Constitution which bans gay divorce. Filming the taped announcement from the Oval office, the President looked into the wrong camera and announced, "It's bad enough gays are getting married, but why should they have the right to get divorced? Let them suffer in the same union of their choice like the rest of us..... Wrong camera? Okay, let's start again."

"Isn't starting again a form of divorce?" questioned an assistant.

"Potomac that nerd. Okay. Which camera? Don't switch it on me. Let's go on.... It's bad enough people are getting married, but why should they have the right to get divorced? Let them, what? Wasn't that the right camera?"

"You forgot to say, gay. Perhaps it was a Freudian slip?" said the new assistant.

"Potomac that nerd, too. Okay. From the top... It's bad enough gays want to get married, but they want the right to vote too.... What? What is it this time? I know I remembered to say gays this time. Don't start going PBS on me. I have only five takes in any situation and then that's it. It's shrub cutting time in Crawford."

"You suggested that gays should not have the right to vote."

"They have the right to vote? No cookies! You're fudging me. I know they pay taxes, but what soft belly, chicken kicking moron gave them the right to vote? Max von Sydow when he played Jesus Christ? Charlton Heston would have been a better Jesus. His Jesus would have carried a riffle and cartridge belts strapped across his chest and never give voting rights to gays. Next, gays are gonna want to invest in real man oil."

"Didn't you know, Mr. President? BP stands for Bitch Petroleum."

"Potomac that foul talking, loose cannon, sissy frat boy. Okay. From the top. Last take, or it's shrub cutting time back in Crawford. That place is beginning to look like the Iraqi outback. Okay. From the top and I'll drop kick anyone who interrupts me or acts as though I can't speak the English language.... Gays want the right to divorce four or five times like law abiding, tax paying, Christian citizens, who don't burn the flag, have sex out of marriage or jay walk. Dang! That don't sound right to me. Who wrote this crap?

"It's a print."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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