Omaha, Nebraska - America's frantic search for new jobs has hit the mother load. A team of Navy SEALs has uncovered and seized a long-forgotten human resource center, containing over 12.4 million private sector jobs.
"At 1:09 AM, Greenwich Mean Time, a team of Navy SEALs, disguised as Labor Department receptionists, took tactical control of a warehouse here in Omaha," Pres. Obama told the nation in a special television broadcast. "By 1:30 AM, America had regained its mojo as a world power.
"I think it's safe to say that with this discovery, the fiscal crisis is over," Obama continued. "The addition of over 12 million new employment opportunities will complete America's economic turnaround, which I started at the beginning of my presidency.
"The door will soon be slammed shut on our financial problems. So Republicans, don't let it hit you on the way out."
According to the Labor Department, the mystery jobs date back to the Roosevelt/Truman Administrations. They were intended to be presented as "gifts to our honorable Japanese overlords," if the war in the Pacific had gone bad.
Instead, FDR and Truman ordered up the gift that keeps on giving. Two demonstrations of the military capabilities of nuclear energy turned Japan into a nation of radioactive pacifists.
No longer needed, the jobs created for the program were deposited in a warehouse the size of a football field, and were all but forgotten until now.
"These are vintage jobs that all you deadbeats out there are going to love to work," said Susan Templer, Assistant Labor Secretary for Hope and Change. "Thousands of telegraph operators are needed, hundreds of bookbinders. Newsstand sellers and carnival barkers are in demand, as are vacuum tube production technicians and encyclopedia salesmen."
Pres. Obama admitted that the jobs from the 1940s might have to be upgraded to be viable now. "That's what printing presses were invented for," he said. "As long as the Federal Reserve is printing greenbacks, the people who work these jobs will be making money. And I'll be making political hay out of the drop in the unemployment rate.
"The White House will be sending the national press corps a telegraph with the details, which you should have in a couple of hours. A major motion picture, with Tom Cruise as the Navy SEAL commander, will be released next week."