Written by Lynn L'Engle
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Topics: Cars, Holiday

Thursday, 8 June 2006

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Sweatin' in the Smokies

Memorial Day in the Smokies means traffic jams in both Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg, favored holiday destinations for many families in the Southeast. Cars and trucks crawl up and down the Parkway close to Dollywood and the main street in front of Ripley's Aquarium. Lines jam the go-cart rides, the Haunted Museum, and the latest thrill ride. Stores hawking Confederate paraphenalia are packed like it was 1865 (Some might think it still is), airbrush artists are selling t-shirts as fast as they can spray 'em, and Elvis is still in a building in Pigeon Forge, along with Cher, Buddy Holly, and Rod Stewart. There are a few brave African Americans and Muslim Americans, but mostly everyone is white, VERY white. Unfortunately, mostly everyone is also morbidly obese.

Seen on Memorial Day weekend in the National Park:
-This woman,or someone very like her, in the middle of the Little Pigeon River, with a two-piece swimsuit.
-This woman,or someone twice her size, huffing up the 1-mile walk to the tower at Clingman's Dome, with No ONE To ADMINISTER CPR next to her!
-This woman, or perhaps a man, shoving an entire Ed's Double Decker Corn Dog in his mouth at once and following it up with a 32oz Coke from a cup in the shape of one of those cars in the movie "Cars."
-This woman on the back of a Harley in a black leather midriff top roaring through the National Park, scaring all the chipmunks and the rangers.

All attempts to interview said woman resulted in a rude gesture until she was offered a free funnel cake.

"I like Pigeon Forge all right, 'cause it's got the rides the kids like and all, and Mama likes the variety comedy and country music shows, but I like Gatlinburg best. It's got two Aunt Mahalia'scandy stores, two Ole Smokey Kitchens, and lots of different placesup and down the streetto get corn dogs, funnel cakes, ice cream, and fudge. We usually stay in Pigeon Forge cause it's got more motels that give you free passes to all the pancake houses. I'vestyed in Gatlinburg before and I liked being able to set out on the balcony and watch all the people and smell that great smell of fried food and exhaust that you only smell here. Also, There's no where else on Earth I can buy all my Confederate stuff in one place!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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