Written by Peter Porcupine
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Topics: Congress, Washington

Thursday, 18 May 2006

image for Remedial Education Program Sails Through Congress
President Prepares for First Remedial Class

Washington, May 17 The normally squabbling members of Congress from both parties today put aside their differences and quickly passed what Senator John Kerry (D-MA) called a significant legislative initiative in educational reform.

Called the "No President Left Behind Act," the newly-enacted program mandates periodic testing of all presidents in reading, math, and basic communication skills.

"Early in his first term George W. Bush said he wanted to be known as The Education President," said a congressional aide who wished to remain anonymous. "Well, this bill will ensure that he has the rudiments of a basic education by the time he leaves the White House."

"Not only that," another aide chimed in, "all future presidents and presidential candidates will have to demonstrate a grasp of basic reading, mathematical, and scientific skills. Those who fail to test at grade level will be required to take remedial classes.

"This will be President Bush's lasting legacy to the office -- one he can be justly proud of, I'm sure."

Asked how "grade level" would be defined for a president, the aide said that current plans call for a "test-off" involving former presidents and presidential candidates to see if some "happy medium" can be found. Standard testing of 8th graders from selected schools around the country would be used as a control.

Our sources pointed to a growing sense of urgency behind the groundswell of Congressional support for the bill. "This president's got just over two years to get up to speed," one said. "Less if he's impeached. So the members feel it's important to get him into the program right away. Otherwise he'll be leaving the White House with no marketable skills."

Throwing its prestige behind the initative, President Bush's Alma Mater, Yale University, announced that it would award the President the honorary degree Doctor of Remedial Studies (DRS) upon his successful completion of the program.

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