Written by Hunter Thomas
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Topics: Congress

Tuesday, 12 June 2012

WashingtonDC. - The House Ethics Committee opened hearings today to bring to light allegations that House and Senate staff members have been physically and mentally abusing Capitol Hill lobbyist following the disclosure that a member of Senator Paul DeMano (D) Samoa, office took a cash bribe and received undisclosed gratuities in exchange for fixing a vote on the new tax on artificial pork rinds.

"When he grabbed my head and forced it down, I almost wanted to cry!" Sobbed, lobbyist Hank Hemmerson as he testified before the congressional ethics committee today. "Afterward when he told me he wouldn't vote for our bill and that he had herpes, I didn't know what to do. I have a wife and kids at home and now we all have herpes including my dog!"

When questioned on how many times a day he was required to exchange gratuities with congressional and house staffers, Hank took out his note book and told the members that following the hearing, that he had 12 meetings with congressional chief of staffs, 11 of them involving some sort of exchange of gratuities. When asked what a gratuity meant, Hank told them to use their imagination. The congressional staff members nodded their heads in acknowledgement.

It was a long day for the committee as they heard story after story from Capitol Hill Lobbyist of alleged abuses by Capitol Hill congressional and senate staff members in regards to the way business was being conducted in the sacred halls of democracy.

One Lobbyist complained that many times the cheap condoms provided by their counter parts would break and they would be forced to rinse out affected areas with a mixture of Drano and sulfuric acid. Another said that he used his lap top bag not to carry his lap top, but as a knee pad and makeshift spittoon.

Another told staff members that he had to bring a goat to one meeting with a congressional chief of staff and the goat contracted genital herpes which is a fatal condition for goats and that the goat had to be put down.

One lobbyist, who shielded his identity by wearing a paper bag over his head testified that; "Lobbyist should not have to be subjected to this sort of behavior! We are people too you know! What we demand is respect and at minimum that personal lubricants be required for all lobbyist by their employers!" His paper bag then became soaked with tears as he broke down and cried. As this drama unfolded, a Lobbyiest, wearing a bib, was spotted crawling out from under the table where a congressional staff member was sitting with a surprised look on his face. When reporters inquired; "What he was doing under the table and why he was wearing a bib?" the Lobbyiest retched, gagged and projectile vomited into a nearby waste paper can. Lobbyist, Hank Hemmerson stood up and yelled out, "See! What did I tell you! This is what happens all the time up here!" Other lobbyist waiting to testify stood up and began chanting "No more Lobby Slobby!"

The Committee members then had Hank yanked out of the hearing room by security guards and informed the others that unless they remained silent they would be forced to cut the hearings short.

When the hearing commenced, committee members asked the lobbyist for specific names of the offending members, but the lobbyist pleaded the fifth, citing that they would loose their access if they disclosed the identities of the senior senate and house members. When asked for the number of law makers engaging in this sort of conduct, they were told that the number was around 632 high ranking members and 2,854 lower ranking staff members.

2,458 Lobbyist signed up to testify before the committee enticed by the offer of free STD testing conducted by Dr. Art Gorman, the Capitol Hill staff doctor. The doctor later described the examinations as deplorable in that he had never seen such a variety of STDs as were contracted by the Lobbyist. "We had people here who had STS's that haven't even been discovered yet. This is a definite threat to Homeland security!" The doctor then went on to explain to reporters that he also saw signs of extreme rectum fatigue, lock jaw, stretched esophagus syndrome, crabs, lice, scabies, flea infestation and severe latex allergic reactions. When reporters asked if he had known of any house or senate members with the same conditions, the doctors replied with a stern; "No Comment."

Since most of the senior Congressional and Senate members were surprisingly absent, the testimony was heard by two lower level member staff members who franticly took notes but had to adjourn the meeting prematurely to perform janitorial duties. Further hearings are unexpected.

The National Federation of Lobbyist later issued a press release stating that: "although there have been some reports of outbreaks of heat rash among their fellow lobbyist, that the doctor's report was highly exaggerated. Our lobbyist will continue to conduct business and uphold the highest standard of ethical behavior in accordance to the institution of democracy in which they ply their highly respected jobs."

The statement also added that out of respect for their fellow lobbyist that they would require all lobby firms to supply personal lubricants and they would lobby for the installation of condom dispensing machines in all Capital Hill restrooms.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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