Springfield, PA-- Bizarre mutated produce from Fukushima Japan has begun appearing in local grocery stores. Nightmarish food created from the world's worst nuclear disaster is being sold to consumers. The government says there is no radioactivity, but the mutations seem like something out of the Twilight Zone.
Iceberg lettuce is very popular with consumers, but the Fukushima variety may give shoppers second thoughts. These mutated heads of lettuce like to talk. They have classical educations, and often quote Dickens, Chaucer and Thackeray as they ride around the store in grocery carts.
"It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known." murmured a head of lettuce as it approached the checkout line and its ultimate doom.
Grocery store managers weren't sure whether to put the celery hearts from Fukushima in the meat or the produce department. These mutated celery hearts beat 72 times a minute. The strange celery has a reddish juice that has a meaty taste.
Part of the produce aisle is now strictly off limits to anyone under the age of 21. Mutated plant DNA seems to have combined with human DNA to make erotic fruits and vegetables. Voluptuous melons with nipples and phallic shaped cucumbers greet the eye for anyone who dares a look. Consumers are warned not to touch these vegetables unless they intend to have a serious relationship!