Written by Cameron Logan
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Thursday, 17 May 2012

image for Primates begin to speak English, claim 'Planet of the Apes' is Documentary from the Future
Is the World in 'Monkey Trouble'?

Earlier today, zoologists were stunned when three apes from the New York zoo began to speak to them in English. What started as a friendly conversation (the apes thanking the zookeepers for their humane treatment) quickly turned sour.

"You can only imagine our surprise when the seemingly friendly apes began spouting Nazi-like propaganda at us. They began flailing their arms, beating their chests and claiming that an extinction of the human race was in order. It was freaky, man," said Zoologist Marcus Stone.

Later, the apes (named Zippy, Tee-to and Bonkers) were studied by fifteen of the top scientists in the world, including Dr. Jacob Federline, who gave his account of the apes' behavior.

"I haven't been studying them for long, but during their poker game earlier, they carried on about the movie 'The Planet of The Apes', claiming that it was a documentary that had been sent back in time," Dr. Federline recounted.

Scientists are still trying to figure out what exactly caused the apes' sudden intelligence boost, while every day civilians have their own theories.

"I think that someone slipped some LSD in the monkey cage, and the monkeys took it and it opened up their mind. That's what it did for me, dude," said local New York druggie, David Blunt.

Political commentator, William O'Mitchell, chimed in on his thoughts:

"It's all a government conspiracy. Congress is in on it. The President is in on it. The U.N. is in on it. We're all going to be replaced by apes in five years time, tops."

Although it just happened this morning, Hollywood movie studios are already pushing projects based on the "ape fiasco" into development. Warner Brothers is said to release "Three Apes in the Big Apple" by December and Disney is developing their own project entitled "Zoo Day" which will actually star the three apes.

While many people fear the apes' warnings of a hostile takeover, there is currently no reason to be alarmed. One thing is for sure though. I'm stocking up on bananas just in case I have to bargain with them for my life.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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