Written by CaptainSausage
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Saturday, 12 May 2012

image for Republican party unveils secret presidential candidate
Could the US handle an android president?

After years of internal arguing over who should stand against Obama in the upcoming elections, the Republicans have finally come up with a candidate who should please everyone, but he's certainly not your average Joe.

He's called Republi-bot, and he is an intelligent robot designed with the sole purpose of winning the election. And unlike Obama, there is no doubt about his country of birth, as his maker Jimbo Wrench explained. "He's an American through and through. I've programmed him with the contents of 3,000 online forums about US conservative politics, as well as the Ten Commandments to guide him morally. He sure knows his stuff."

Republi-bot is able to make political speeches by combining religious imagery with political issues important to Republicans. At a rally last week, he had the audience in rapturous applause with this simple speech of ten one-word sentences. "USA. God. Family. Jesus. War. Muslims. Christian. Abortion. Gays. President."

However, not everything about Republi-bot has gone to plan. At a focus group last week, he argued "logically" that the reintroduction of slavery would solve many of the US's economic problems. He has since been reprogrammed to prevent him making any similar gaffes in future.

His creator is working on a robot wife and children to improve Republi-bot's stale public image, and to help him to "connect with real voters". He has even been programmed with basic plumbing knowledge, to push his credentials as a common working robot.

So what will happen if Republi-bot wins the election? "That's simple," says Wrench. "We'll begin making plans for him to win the next election."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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