Written by mikewadestr
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Topics: Banks, CEO, rich people

Saturday, 28 April 2012

image for Guy Makes a Fortune When Laundry Card Machine Breaks
Isn't the grey one supposed to go on top?

Thursday started off pretty damn shitty for New York City's Danny Suds. When he got to work at his job as a stock broker at U.B. Sucker he was told he was being fired for not once screwing any customer over in the five years he had been with the firm. Things got even worse when he returned home to find an empty apartment and a note from his wife telling him she had left him for that really weird guy that hangs out in the lobby all day dressed in a bunny suit. She had sold off everything they owned so the two of them could buy a giant live-in Easter Basket.

The only thing his wife left him were his clothes, a large container of Tide Detergent, 6 dollars on the laundry card and a gold fish in a fishbowl that just refuses to die.

Man did he hate that fish.

Mr. Suds' fortune changed when he went upstairs to the laundry room to wash his toupee. There he found a mob of desperate people who needed clean laundry and they needed it now, except for the fact that the machine that dispenses those prepaid laundry cards was on the blink, literally. It was blinking like mad.

It was then that Mr. Suds decided to employ the skills he should have been using at his job and quickly began auctioning off the laundry card which had two loads on it. The crowd was hesitant at first until Mr. Suds started heading out the door when someone called out '5 dollars' for the first load which broke the dam as everyone began screaming higher and higher bids.

Mr. Suds couldn't have picked a better crowd, which happened to include the likes of some of the world's richest bankers as well as that kid who made a fortune selling snow cones on the Antarctic research base on Ross Island. Apparently, the really rich guys came together on a city tour bus which took them around the city to visit apartment buildings which house middle class people, all four of them, to see what they actually look like before they de-evolve into those miserable cretins which are more commonly known as poor people.

The bankers were absolutely horrified that middle class people were allowed to wear clean clothes and started bidding against them at first and then against each other in the hopes that owning the laundry card would allow them to foreclose upon it.

The CEO of Scoundrels Bank, Bud B. Filthy-Rich, ended up winning the bid which consisted of the entire state of Florida.

When Mr. Suds was asked what he would do with his newly acquired property he replied:

"What do you think? I'm foreclosing on it and evicting everyone, even the orange trees. I'm going to turn the whole state into one giant water park. I think I'll call it Sink or Swim".

When asked why he was getting rid of the orange trees he responded:

"They remind of my gold fish".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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