COLLEGE PARK, MARYLAND (ABSNN) DNA has proven "conclusively" that Thomas Jefferson, the third US President, is the true father of Barack Obama who now sits in power in the White House. Scientists at the University of Maryland claim "the findings put to rest any other conclusion that Obama is not a true-born American citizen."
Republican front-runner Mitt Romney is not so certain, however.
"How in God's name can Thomas Jefferson be Obama's father? He's been dead for nearly 200 years," explained an exasperated, and some say desperate, Romney.
"DNA does not lie," said an actor from CSI Las Vegas.
"In addition to having (maybe) fathered several mulatto children with his house slave Sally Hemmings, apparently Jefferson also fathered Obama.
"How is not the question," said Audrey Parks of UM. "The DNA says so; I believe it; that settles it."
By a peculiarly worded law in effect in Virginia at the time of Thomas Jefferson, Obama is now considered a freed slave and must vacate the state within one year of his manumittation.
"Hell I will," said Obama. "I am relieved this DNA testing proves once and for all time, that I am the rightful, Democratic heir of Thomas Jefferson," said a beaming Obama.
The dead Thomas Jefferson had no comment.