Written by Phil Thompson
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Tuesday, 10 April 2012

WASHINGTON-- Former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from the hospital two weeks ago following his recent heart transplant, but his health remains in a fragile condition.

Dick Cheney's history of heart problems has been widely reported. Nearly two years ago, he alleged that his heart had stockpiled enormous levels of plaque and thusly posed a threat to his personal security. Though a coronary angiography and other reliable procedures revealed no imminent problems, the former Vice President insisted that his heart had not cooperated with the tests. Mr. Cheney as well as his physician Dr. Powell cited other misleading and at times even fabricated medical records that, despite being dismissed by most experts, was sufficient enough to hoodwink the American health community into placing him on the donor wait list for a pre-emptive cardiac transplantation or, as it is called in the medical community, a "regime change."

Mr. Cheney went into surgery after receiving a heart from an anonymous donor.

At first, the conventional operation appeared successful. This prompted head surgeon, Dr. Dubya to determine that the mission was accomplished. Nevertheless, as surgeons removed the heart, the operation took a turn for the worse. A pulmonary bypass inserted as a transitional entity to control regular heart functions was not entirely agreeable to Mr. Cheney's body. In addition, the temporary lack of a permanent, independent human heart coupled with an extensive surgical occupation created a vacuum within Mr. Cheney's thorax which caused several unforeseen violent reactions from within his body. Soon enough infection-causing bacteria from outside the body intensified these reactions. Medical pundits familiar with open heart surgery call this situation a "quagmire."

Surgeons eventually attached a donor heart. Because the match was initially untrusted and unable to perform its necessary functions and because the previous extended operation had caused so many setbacks, doctors were determined to continue surgery in order to stabilize Mr. Cheney's health.

After hours of intense and often times poorly conducted surgery, which at one point required a controversial surge of nurses to help keep Mr. Cheney alive, doctors determined that there was no way of leaving Mr. Cheney's new heart in an adequate condition, but further operations would not lead to desired results.

They then sewed him up, wished him good luck and hoped history would be on their side.

The state of Mr. Cheney's health is currently difficult to assess.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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