Written by Gregamemnon
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Friday, 6 April 2012

image for Cougars Upset Over Amount Of Unwanted Attention The MILF Market Has Brought Them
In related news, cats aren't too happy to have to share the pussy name with the wimps and sissies of the world either.

ISSAQUAH, WA-Cougars, long since held as nature's third coolest cat (behind lions and tigers, respectively), have recently come into a bit of an identity crisis. This is due in large part to the recent branding of 40-somethings who romantically target men decades their junior, as "cougars."

Some would argue that this isn't yet a big problem in society, as it's hardly on the level of, say, cancer, or even genital warts. However, a study will soon show that 75% of readers initially mistook the cougars mentioned in this headline as the frat-boy fawning females. Obviously, this confusion hasn't sat well with members of the puma genus.

"What I don't understand is, why cougar?" asks Frank McCord, caretaker of the Cougar Mountain Zoo in Issaquah, WA. "There are so many other big cats out there to choose from: Cheetah, Jaguar, Snow Leopard perhaps? Why did they have to single out the cougar?"

Apparently Frank isn't the only one confused as to the origins of the term "cougar." Internet lookups for "cougar" have increased 400% in the last six months, while alternate names for the cat such as "mountain lion," "panther," and "puma" have all remained relatively low, suggesting the animal had done nothing of particular interest to garner the increased activity. MILF on the other hand, or Mother I'd Like to F**k for those readers over the age of 25, has also seen an increase in traffic as of late, a trend that doesn't appear to be showing signs of slowing down.

So, why 'cougar'? Nobody really knows for certain exactly where or when the term was first coined, although there are many prominent theories. The vast majority trace the word back to the character of Samantha on Sex and the City, which was seen as the first true 'cougar' on television. Nowadays, popular newcomers such as the aptly named ABC sitcom, Cougar Town, are making a strong bid for the credit of spreading the fiery term. While the exact origins may remain clouded in mystery, what is for certain is the big cats had absolutely nothing to do with the choosing of the name.

"You can tell they don't like all the extra attention they're getting," Mr. McCord continued. "They used to only have to lie around and do nothing of interest for only a handful of people at a time. Now, it's nearly twice that!" he said, a hint of worry in his voice. "I really think it's starting to get to them mentally, you know? They may not understand exactly what it is we're saying, but they know when they're being used as the butt of a joke."

But not all the press surrounding the name has been negative. "Personally, I like the term," says Lisa Warren, 41, a self-professed 'cougar.' "Cougars are fast and sleek and sexy, everything that us older women embody. They should see it as an honor that we chose to use their moniker."

"Besides," she went on, while poofing her hair, adjusting her bra, and giving this reporter a very seductive look, "they have like, 15 different names. The least they can do is let us sexy ladies have the one. By the way, what are you doing later tonight?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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