Written by Chrissy Benson
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Tuesday, 27 March 2012

image for The Santorum Sanitarium - Rick Santorum Speaks Up About Mental Health
The scenic mountain setting of the "Santorum Sanitarium," where Santorum went "crazy for America."

Yesterday afternoon, Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum flabbergasted supporters at a campaign rally in western Arizona by discussing the often-taboo issue of mental health - including that of himself and the other presidential candidates.

"Everyone in this presidential race is crazy. We all know it, but no one's been willing to say it - until now." Following a pregnant pause suggesting the highly personal nature of the words he was about to utter, Santorum added, "And I'm no exception."

"I couldn't believe my ears," reported one Arizona voter, Sally Rodriguez. "Rick, crazy? He's so strong and virile and brave! I just sat there dumbfounded and waited for him to explain."

Santorum elaborated that in late 2011, he voluntarily checked into the Blue Ridge Mountain Spa, a mental health treatment facility in Virginia, where he underwent an intensive 3-month holistic treatment program involving cognitive behavioral therapy, a 40-day juice fast, group therapy, yoga, Reiki, tapping and one-on-one counseling sessions with a psychiatrist.

Santorum's clinical diagnosis? Depression.

"I was depressed about the state of America," Santorum told the clearly sympathetic crowd. "And you know what? I'm not ashamed to admit that. In fact, I think that's actually evidence of my sanity. If you're aware of what's going on in our country today, there's no way around it - you're going to be depressed."

Santorum's words resonated deeply with Sally Rodriguez.

"When Rick confessed that he was depressed about the state of the United States, I realized, to a new level, what a deep and passionate man he is. He cares so much he went crazy. For us! Rick's crazy for America."

What lifted Santorum out of his "United State" of depression, he said, was his heartfelt, unquenchable love for the everyday American people.

"Like Jesus Christ, I bring to you today a message of love. Just as love carried Jesus to the cross and beyond, love will carry me to the presidency. I don't have any more time to cry - the time has come for action. If, like me, you're crazy about this country, you'll join me in this battle to reclaim America."

Rodriguez says that her eyes teared up at Santorum's description of his journey toward emotional recovery.

"He cried! What a sensitive, vulnerable, courageous man. I was so proud of him in that moment."

Santorum concluded by reaffirming his commitment to rejuvenate the American economy.

"I'm going to get this economy pumping, if I have to pump it with my own two hands," he vowed. He added, "We are going to have a recession, though - a recession in depression!"

Judging from the ear-to-ear grins among Santorum's supporters, the depression recession has already begun.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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