Late last night while taking his regular "constitutional" (Gingrich's preferred term for his nightly moonlight strolls through the woods, the moniker he feels best demonstrates his passionate commitment to the civil rights propagated by our Founding Fathers), Newt Gingrich was physically assaulted by a coven of 13 female Wiccan practitioners.
The women were no match for the meaty Gingrich, however. He deftly overthrew his attackers, bolted to an area of relative safety and, in an act of joyful rebelliousness, leaned over, tugged down his trousers and (appropriately enough) "mooned" the Wiccans while yelling, "Occupy this!" - an apparent reference to the Occupy Wall Street movement.
It was first assumed that the attack was politically motivated and that the women attackers aimed to stymie Gingrich's conservative political agenda and express their opposition to his stance on women's issues.
However, during a subsequent "enhanced interrogation" with police officers, Wiccan Lindsay Morrison eventually admitted that the group's actual aim had been to obtain eye of newt, a staple of Wiccan and witch-related recipes. Morrison explained that several of her female comrades had been inexplicably single for far too long, and that for that reason, they'd decided to formulate a special and powerful love potion for all of their use - of which eye of newt (or preferably, eye of Newt) was a key ingredient.
Ironically, the attack seems to have rejuvenated Gingrich's flagging political campaign for the Republican presidential nomination.
"He's clearly a man of power and action," said Republican Monica Dalzell of Savannah, Georgia. "I like that. And I like that he's anti-pagan, that's something that's important to me. I'd feel safe with someone like Newt in the White House."
When asked to comment on the incident, Rush Limbaugh stated that the Wiccans were clearly "witches and sluts." This time, no one disagreed.