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Sunday, 18 March 2012

image for Rick Santorum embraces the Mormons in wake of Romney Excommunication
Former polygamist's home will be seat of the US Supreme Court if Santorum is elected

AMERICAN FORK, UTAH (ABSNN) - Quick to reap political hay in the wake of the stunning news that Mitt Romney was excommunicated by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, the Mormons, presidential hopeful Rick Santorum began studies to convert to the Mormon faith it was announced Sunday morning at the 7th Ward services in this tiny Utah hamlet.

"Although I've not yet been baptized and initiated into the Aaronic Priesthood, I am overwhelmed by the love and support of my new church family," said Santorum outside the church. "I fully intend to relocate my family and I either here in American Fork, or maybe in Lehi, just up the road."

American Fork is a small village located between Salt Lake City and Provo, the home of Brigham Young University. According to Santorum, "I shall relocate the seat of the Federal Government to American Fork. Congress will meet in the Stake Center in American Fork. The Supreme Court will occupy a converted polygamist's home on 43 South-100 East. The house has a dozen rooms all connected by secret passages where the father hid during the jailing of polygamists in the late 1800's."

Furthermore, I promise to restore polygamny to its rightful place in the American mainstream. I have my eye on seven or eight young women from the 7th Ward already," he said.

Reporters are justly skeptical of Santorum's instant conversion, just as they pointed out the obvious political nature of Romney's instant conversion out of Mormonism yesterday. This reporter asked Santorum why he would even consider this step, and his wild-assed assertion (that's right, Pilgrims, I said wild-assed) that he could remove the seat of government from the District of Columbia?

"The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the fastest growing religion in the world, dear fellow (that's right, he called me Dear Fellow). They are the fastest growing religious faith in America as well (I checked the 2010 Census data and he is right about that, too), Santorum lectured.

"I learned a great lesson while observing how Obama used rough looking black men, members of ACORN, in front of the polling places during the last election. There are more Mormons than black people, so I figured if Romney didn't need them, I did.

I pitched the conversion to LDS President Thomas S. Monson, who just happens to be the only true Prophet, Seer and Revelator of the world and all the universes combined, and he told me to 'Go forth for it, my son. I can guarantee every Mormon vote and the vote of everyone who does business with any Mormons anywhere. As Seer, I see you as President of the United States of AMormonic, err, America,'" Santorum chortled.

President Monson even suggested a "catchy campaign slogan" for Santorum who is running second to the Mormon Turncoat Romney. It takes into account Obama's campaign slogan, "I boned your Momma!"

It is "I can kick your bony ass, Obama!"

What remains to be seen is whether or not he can beat Romney's fat cat Methodist ass, I rectum.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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