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Monday, 12 March 2012

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The Obama administration today announced the initiation of a new program that provides a free annual colonoscopy for all wage earners with an Adjusted Gross Income (AGI) of more than $40,000 for individuals, and more than $62,000 for couples filing jointly. The test will be mandatory for individuals with an AGI more than $100,000, and for couples with a combined AGI in excess of $140,000.

The test is being provided under rule #18,722 of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, commonly known as Obama Care. Almost no one outside of an inner circle of bureaucrats was aware of this provision (printed in size 4 Arabic typeset font in section 873, paragraph 677, page 1811) prior to today's announcement. When this fact was called into question, Press Secretary Jay Carney abruptly reminded the quizzical reporter that today's unveiling was totally consistent with the Democrat message on Obama Care. He then reminded reporters of former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's statement at the time of the bill's truncated deliberation, "We have to pass the bill so that you can find out what's in it."

In a departure from standard practice, patients will be administered their colonscopy at a regional office of the Internal Revenue Service. Involved IRS technicians will receive six hours of training in use of the endoscope at a government approved health provider before being qualified to conduct the test. When questioned as to whether that level of training was sufficient for safe execution of the procedure, IRS Commissioner Doug Shulman offered this reassurance: "Believe me, nobody is more sensitive to the need for proper procedure here than our leader Secretary Geithner. He has not been able to walk with a comfortable, erect stride, or look directly ahead, ever since he had a sigmoidscope embedded in his abdominal extremity during his 2009 Senate Confirmation hearing. He has personally reviewed the involved protocols and has given his full approval. He has stated that this is clearly one situation where the ends justify the means."

IRS agents will be looking for any hidden aggregations or amassments. Anything that resembles an undue cumulation will be immediately extracted and sent to the organization's Washington headquarters for archival. Each patient will receive a full written report following his or her examination, including a schedule for follow-up work. In most cases, agents will be able to conduct that work at the patient's residence or place of business.

In announcing the new provision of Obama Care, Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius stated "I am so proud to announce this new service and to laud the never-ending dedication of our fine government servants. After all, you have to admit, this is not gravy work. But no organization is better suited to conduct this type of internal investigation than the IRS. President Obama and I are expecting their efforts to contribute greatly to the weal .. ah . . health of our nation. "

Testing is scheduled to begin November 15th.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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