HOG JAW, ARKANSAS (ABSNN) -- Delbert Clodfelter, 16, is not like the other boys at his high school. Delbert doesn't play football, cannot dribble a basketball, cannot throw a curve ball, although he does play a little soccer (not a real boys game in Hog Jaw). No, Delbert is not like the other boys; he is not like other humans either: Delbert has a fully fuctioning penis (and scrotum) on each hand.
"At least the guys don't call me 'Dick head,'" Delbert told reporters today. The reporters had gathered to hear the Hog Jaw Consolidated School Board rule that Delbert "must wear a condom over each of his penises while attending school functions. The exception being the penis between his legs, that is."
"We, the other board members and myself, appreciate the fact that Delbert has always worn special gloves on each hand," said Sadie Mae Glutz, Chairwoman of the Board. "But to write, Delbert has to remove the gloves, and sometimes, his ... 'things' get a little too excited, shall we say, so the board took this action in order to protect the girls in the classroom."
"That has only happened two times," claimed Delbert. "Once I had to give a book report and from the front of the room I could see up Maudie Within's dress. What happened wasn't my fault!"
In an effort to reduced the financial pressures on the Clodfelter family, the school board voted funds to procure the extra-large, ribbed condoms that Delbert needs to wear. "The ribs help him to grip his pencils and the test tubes in science class," said a teacher who wished to remain unnamed.
"Delbert is a favorite of the girls," one boy stated. "He gets asked out for dates and dances, too. I wish my tallywhacker was half as long as either of his," the boy said admiringly.