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Wednesday, 8 March 2006

image for Pentagon Releases Names of Guantanamo Inmates
Guantanamo Residents Relaxing

The Pentagon, Washington DC -- Finally after several years of delays, the US military complied with the government's demands and submitted a list of the inmates being held at the military jail at Guantanamo in Cuba. Although the list was delivered ten minutes late for the 5pm deadline on Friday, March 3, 2006; it is said to be a complete, unedited list of ALL 501 people detained at the facility.

Although most of the names are unknown to ordinary people there were ten celebrities who were thought previously to be dead or missing. There is no indication if these people are to be released now that they have been located. The White House had no comment on this matter.

Richard Cheney: Currently drying out in the drunk-tank after peppering a Conservative lawyer with a 24 gauge shotgun.

David Duchovny: In hiding since the end of the hit TV show, X-Files, when he began thinking that space-aliens with beards and heavy accents caused the WTC attacks. He is released under guard twice a year to co-star in a crappy movie.

Doug Henning: Canadian magician who ran in the 1993 federal election in Canada as a candidate for the Natural Law Party of Canada with disastrous results. Disappeared in 1994. Believed to have died in 2000 from cancer.

Adolph Hitler Jr.: Son of you-know-who. Stolen at birth by British troops in Berlin. He was the first non-American held in this jail.

Jimmy Hoffa: Held under the Witness Protection Program after his double was executed by organized crime members in 1975.

Michael Jackson: Accused child molester who attempted to flee to Bahrain to avoid further prosecution.

Jim Morrison: Accused of waving his pee-pee at the audience of a Doors' concert in Florida on March 1, 1969.

Farley Mowat: Canadian author of "Never Cry Wolf" and suspected political activist denied access into the United States many times over.

Elvis Presley: Suspected of tax evasion in 1977. Morbidly obese he underwent stomach stapling, survived and still performs for the other residents once a year, on his birthday, January 8th. Jailhouse Rock indeed.

Salman Rushdie: In hiding since offending Muslims with his book "The Satanic Verses."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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