Written by John Peurach
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Thursday, 26 January 2012

image for Coming and Going? - L.A. Porn Merchants Prepare To Withdraw Troops If Local Condom Occupy Plan Officially Takes Hold Of Their Collective You Know Whats
AS LONG AS SOMEONE APPROVES THE MESSAGE: Meanwhile, is that for here, or to go?

LOS ANGELES - Fearing that a firmer than usual enforcement of any existing thought to be already too rigid laws requiring the constant use of condoms on all Los Angeles-based adult film sets might seriously penetrate what they've come to expect as their standard supply side take of regularly unreported profits, several of the adult film industry's leading bottom line oriented suppliers of easily accessed on-demand pornography have found it necessary to alert the media that there's a better than good possibility that, should the local wooda coulda down in front wardrobe readjustment be further mandated as promised, those responsible for pulling more than just string in this line of work will have no alternative but to quickly gather up their overly extended full-tilt packages, their ultra-wide assortment of strategic here to there and all the way back multi-gender destination points necessary for a seemingly endless variety of totally receptive up close and personal carnal activity, and, of course, whatever else is rumored to be located in any number of their well positioned area warehouses - typically, more or less (accent on more), packed to the brim with nothing but sex toys, G-strings, skimpy easily unlatched female undergarments, and, oh yeah, several tons of hooker heels - if only to, most assuredly, relocate their business as unusual elsewhere.

"Or, at least, somewhere that we sincerely hope would not only be far more accepting, but, all along the way, decidedly more tolerant of where we're coming from," said Porn Producers of America (PPOA) spokesperson, Sid Greenway. "And well, not just money-shot-wise. But, all things considered, that's as good a place as any to start. Even though, traditionally, it's where so much of what we do can't help but finish, and/or, wind up being spent, eventually."

Meanwhile, this latest attempt by local lawmakers to bring additional legal pressure upon the unsafe working condition business practices of local porn providers took an evermore dramatic step forward on Tuesday when the Los Angeles City Council took time out from their busy schedule to drop what they were doing (with either hand), and, collectively voted 8-1 in favor (with, apparently one vote held back as an abstention, and thus, ruled ineligible, due to an otherwise all too obvious less than impressive improvement in frequency, size, and response) of a hopefully better positioned ordinance that would from now on perpetually disallow film permits to porn producers (and/or, anyone claiming to be an ASSociate Executive Producer in Charge of Hot Cha Cha on any future Jeremy Piven projects) who does not clearly (and/or, with the occasional decorative, warm to the touch-like assistance of various similar natured items sporting a variety of highly enticing colors) obey the as intended "Wear It, or Don't Bare It!" policy, as spelled out accordingly (using short unremarkable words), via the new and improved condom requirement.

"The measure now goes straight to Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa for his expected approval," said Ilsa Katamaran, L.A. City Council spokesperson. "At which point it is hoped that, in order to help save many well needed in-town jobs, those in the pornography business will systematically suit up, and thus, do, among other things, whatever is necessary to further comply with what has been so obviously approved here."

However, this action of the LA City Council only caused the PPOA to flex whatever heretofore unseen muscle had not yet been brought up and/or flopped down rather immodestly on the nearest available table, so to speak.

According to Greenway, "In response to this latest development, the PPOA is, at this time, jointly prepared to issue a follow-up delay request that, if granted, would go a long way to giving producers - and, of course, their small army of notoriously efficient backstage mop-up crews, on-set erotic paraphernalia wranglers, and non-union fluffers - a sufficient amount of improper, anything but down time, in order to reconfigure accordingly any future responses that might be subsequently necessary, before officially deciding to, once and for all, pull their extensive variety of revenue streaming productions out of the LA city limits, including it's routinely traveled all the way in and out of San Fernando Valley basin."

However, this desperate, end around end stall tactic move by the PPOA was promptly dismissed entirely (well, almost) by those answering the bell (while repeatedly scratching themselves when they could) in the Los Angeles City Council.

"Needless to say," announced Ms. Katamaran, during a hastily staged press conference high atop the city hall steps, "the entire council, except for, as usual, Lou Gomez from Van Nuys - but that's another story, has demanded that this truly misguided, totally uncalled for request by the PPOA - that a blue ribbon sub-committee panel of police personnel visually believed to be noticeably happy just to be here, the city attorney, including his after hours secretarial pool of "pudendum-tested/backdoor-approved special project handlers," most, if not all, California state health officials who knowingly prefer to lounge around nearby palatial hillside enclaves wearing nothing but socks, and, if at all possible, anyone else currently affiliated with the City of L.A. who has more than just a passing interest (specifically anything more than eight to ten inches) in either Belladonna, Darla Crane, Diamond Kitty, Flower Tucci, Francesca Felucci, Jada Fire, Jasmine Byrne, Lisa Ann, Luscious Lopez, Sativa Rose, Tiffany Mynx, Tory Lane, Veronica Lynn, and/or, surprisingly enough, try too hard/would-be (not) funny gal Kathy Griffin, all meet on an irregular basis in order to fully determine exactly how such a soon to be down on all fours measure might in fact be, more or less, just implied, rather than so aggressively enforced - be otherwise, categorically denied."

"And, if at all possible," Ms. Katamaran continued, "carefully proofread in order to determine if any vowels were hurt, punctuation eliminated, or female body parts knowingly and/or suggestively referred to, via the use of dictionary sanctioned code words, just to prove a point about something we're not sure of, but would certainly know it if we either sat on it, or stared at it long enough after it was recklessly pointed out to us in the semi-privacy of a well guarded, as yet to be determined, downtown area high-rise, or reasonably inappropriate loft owned by someone not already on the city payroll."

No doubt disappointed by such ongoing stop and not start maneuvers generated from well within the comfy confines of City Hall, many of those in the PPOA camp still up-to-speed with whatever options they possess at this point, were quick to respond with even more questions to go along with their steady supply of snarky, snide-minded grins and rolling every which way, wandering-like eyes.

"It's obvious, even from where I'm slouching, that it's going to be nothing but, verrrrrry interesting, to see how these knuckle-dragging mouth breathers from both the City Hall and the Board of Health, plan to enforce this occupy condom movement of theirs. And, more importantly, who's going to have fun doing it, all of the time, if you know what I mean. Not to mention what sort of wax-on/wax-off efforts they're prepared to engage in, either now, later on after a few drinks, and, with any luck, an unprohibitive amount of mutually agreed upon frolicsome-oriented, not strings attached (wink-wink) foreplay" said Murray Liebergott, co-founder, co-chairman, and, co-on the go executive know nothing of Los Angeles-based Rigid, one of the largest makers of erotic movies, adult oriented cupcakes, and, plush bean bag toys for overweight middle-aged hot to trot guys & gals typically overburdened with long term, seldom addressed issues centered around their collective unwillingness to temporarily remain the least bit bashful, especially during the end of the year holidays, and, oh yeah, every Super Bowl and/or Academy Award weekend.

"Meanwhile, when all is said and done, especially the way they obviously want it done, I can't help but believe that what will happen is that most of the porn people I know - or, at least the ones I don't mind shaking hands with, following, of course, a reasonable amount of sandblasting and high-powered industrial strength scrubbing - will just naturally, stop the music, so to speak, and thus, no longer feel the need to aim and shoot whatever they got going, anywhere in the city of Los Angeles," added Liebergott. "I mean, besides, there's a whole lot of other places already letting us know that they're more than just willing to have us set up shop in their communities, and, well, you know, let things rise up and fly like we've been doing all along."

In an otherwise never ending attempt to echo such thoughts, numerous other adult film industry officials (backed-up, more often than not, by a casually dressed squadron of smartly paid-off hangers on) chimed in accordingly by downplaying the condom occupy measure as nothing more than a totally, short-sighted reflux-like response, overloaded with nothing but abject political correctness. For the simple reason that, even in a perfect world (much of New England, especially Vermont notwithstanding) such a supposedly undercover activity cannot, for reasons of citywide civic pride, be systematically enforced in a locale so knowingly already identified by more than just those within the industry as the legitimate porn capital of the country.

"Hey, what can I tell ya? Do the math, folks" said Howie Jack Doff, senior editor and chief executive apologist of "Consenting Adult Video News. "Pretty much 90% of all U.S.-based porn films are made right here in the city of Los Angeles. And, maybe not so anyone would notice, but also, every other weekend - through an arrangement made with some buck friendly city fathers and mothers in nearby Culver City - in a former unfinished furniture warehouse currently owned by the city that is now part of an ongoing series of, now at least, semi-profitable foreclosures."

"Or, to put it more bluntly," continued Doff, "when movies, worldwide web friendly Internet downloads, toys of an overt sexual nature, and a steady stream of nocturnal admissions to dance clubs are carelessly tabulated by certified public accountants, not yet under constant surveillance by watchdog authorities otherwise associated with the IRS, what we're talking about here is an altogether thriving industry that delivers the goods to a tune of, well, about $8 billion a year in sometimes even occasionally taxable revenue. And, OK sure, it's become something of a battered duck and cover biz, of sorts, as of late. For the most part temporarily - yet in some cases, permanently - getting nicked by the onset of our current never-popular recession, and, of course, the unrelenting, unrepentant popularity of so much freely available Internet porn. All of which, of course, would be made even worse, what with the constant need for requiring more and more condoms, since, of course, that would only inevitably further cut into the as envisioned necessary profits of the business to the point where, well, all things considered, next to no one, I'm sure, would ever be able to find a way to once again successfully make more than just their usual business ends meet."

Adding even more to the PPOA's mounting series of nothing but woes is the already well established fact that consumers, particularly those located precariously overseas, have continually made it more than crystal clear that they won't watch (or sit reasonably still during) films when actors use condoms. With, of course, apparently the primary reason for such non-stop complaining being that the overall visual intrusion of condoms is not only completely distracting, but in the end, forever ruins most if not all of the commonly as desired fantasy aspects related to the perpetual task of observing people having unlimited reckless sex in, for the most part, otherwise well-appointed and/or extremely tidy surroundings.

Although, to be fair, much of this international-based negativity regarding the use of condoms in adult sex films, was recently caused by a truly bad batch of American made condoms back in 2003 that, once fully deployed, showcased what could only be described as a somewhat disturbing visual resemblance to either Michael Richards from "Seinfeld," legendary New York Yankees owner the late George Steinbrenner, or, worse yet, unmistakably kooky prop happy comedian Carrot Top.

"All in all, just about the only thing Los Angeles could potentially pull off here is to consistently begin losing tons of film permit money, and, of course forever drive a number of high end productions out of town," said Effu-Tu Mann, managing general partner of manager of Clever Devil, another of the adult film industry's largest production companies and full-time providers of ill-advised hair cuts and discount health coverage.

Jed Henshaw, spokesman for the GOT AIDS Healthcare Foundation, is convinced that the time for the measure is now, primarily because the industry has done absolutely nothing to otherwise police itself.

"For far too many years," said Henshaw, to three tourists from Mingo Junction, Ohio who accidentally wandered into the back seat of his 1998 Toyota Camry, at the corner of Hollywood and Highland, thinking it was a gypsy cab fully prepared to take them to Universal Studios, "adult film auteurs have steadfastly disobeyed state health laws demanding that condoms be used when performers are exposed to either blood-borne pathogens, and/or, find themselves in the close quarter vicinity of generally anyone who's professional name is either Mandy, Lance, or Famous Anus."

"OK then, well, how about to the ESPN Zone at L.A. Live?" asked Janko Stanecktavitch, while his wife, Lobna, and sister-in-law, Quayzahar, looked on, while nodding, and, sort of half-smiling. "And, step on it."

"Well, sure, alright, but first let me drop off my screenplay with a guy over at Paramount, who's a friend of a friend of the cousin of whoever now does my sister's ex-husband's wife's sister's neighbor's hair. Or something like that," said Henshaw. "And, while I'm at it, let me make one more thing perfectly clear: The use of condoms on adult film sets is, and always has been, the law in both Northern and Southern California, and, occasionally even enforced as such, allegedly, under the jurisdiction of already agreed upon blood-borne pathogens regulations. The only thing is, is that's it's a law that has, until now anyway, never been fully enforced, or, for that matter, observed by anyone. Especially if, as has been proven time and time again, said anyone claims to be culturally unaware of the proper way in which to put on socks. Luckily though, with this new film permit ordinance, approved today by the city council, outreach provisions will soon be in place to ensure that producers of adult films follow the existing law, and are in a better position to not only be dressed for success, but, better served, without waiting, at most participating 7 Eleven convenience stores and Union 76 mini-marts."

Meanwhile, contributing a little more than the usual amount of fun to these day in/day out proceedings, the council's final vote in support of the new law was cast without any open to the public discussion (but, with plenty of awkward handwritten notes passed during recess), on the same day when nearly all of the porn world's primo players were in Las Vegas anxiously awaiting for Wednesday's grand, full spread opening of the Consenting Adult Entertainment Expo-No, Oh Yes!, the industry's largest trade event. Not counting of course, all the business periodically taking place (unless a Chicago Blackhawks game is on) deep within an otherwise semi-well maintained industrial park, somewhere near Calumet City, Illinois.

"I'm not surprised by such news," said Rafi Aziz Glimmerstein, co-executive producer of "Nuthin' Butt A**!" "But, I am surprised that Albert Brooks didn't get a Best Supporting Actor Oscar nomination for "Drive." I mean, go figure. And, while you're at it, please say hello to, Ms. Bobbi Starr!"

According to L.A.P.D. police reports currently awaiting follow-up notes from unnamed Associate Producers at an assortment of CSI franchises, the adult film industry already conducts its own variation on a theme policing, as such. And thus, often requires that all actors be tested for sexually transmitted diseases, at the very least, a minimum of every 30 days, specifically when they are working, and, on those special occasions when no one can find the 8 ball following an otherwise lengthy get together session on any standard size pool table in the rumpus room of their choice.

According to PPOA spokesperson Sid Greenway, "As far as we can tell, no cases of HIV have been found, or, more importantly, directly linked to porn films since 2004, really. Trust me. I'm not a crook, and never even played one on TV. But, for two weeks I once did stand-in work for Nick Swardson."

Still, Condom Occupy enthusiasts are not convinced, and remain especially concerned that if the adult film industry scatters themselves about, and begins recklessly spreading out even further to unsuspecting areas above and beyond the borders of Los Angeles, would-be required testing will just naturally shrink away, all of which would further expose performers to even more risk. Especially if they're smokers.

"I don't know, if anyone is going to come down with a STD, they usually pick it up outside of work hours, since, well, what the f***, we're all tested so often," said longtime porn actress, producer, & part-time junior high school field trip chaperone, Mizduhmona Groanahaha

In her 18-plus years in the adult film biz, Groanahaha said, she's worked both without and, at least once, with condoms (her nephew's Bar Mitzvah). And, although she claims that the use of condoms does increase safety, and, in her case, helped insure that, a legal action against a former neighbor who kept on feeding her growing collection of stray cats fat-free yogurt, Greek salads, and Dr. Pepper, was taken care of, she believes the final choice in the matter should ultimately be left up to the performers and not otherwise insisted upon by a government agency that, as far as she can tell, never quite knows what it's left hand is doing, especially when the right one is off doing even more of almost, but, not quite, all of theirs, and/or someone else's just the same.

"In other words, if it bugs you that much, and you want to wear them, go ahead, wear them. And, if you don't, then, hey, just......don't. Fact is, it's all up to the talent to make that decision. Meaning, of course, that such a deal should never be up to the local, state, or even federal governments to decide," she said. "Unless, of course, they figure out a way to tie it all up somehow to either betting on football games, or maybe something to do with this new Facebook timeline thing. In which case it's a whole new ball game, that will, as always, do nothing but never play fair."

And well, speaking of whole new ballgames prepared at this time to at least try and play fair, according to PPOA spokesperson, Sid Greenway, "As it stands now, based on the now daily out-of-town inquiries concerning the pending relocation of current LA-based adult film industry production companies, the current, up to the minute short list of possible destinations includes: Altoona, Pennsylvania, Somerville, Massachusetts, and, Warren, Michigan. With a definite, and/or almost certain maybe from Nutley, New Jersey. So, you can see, besides us, there's apparently plenty of out there places definitely ready to do whatever they can to get up to get down, especially when it comes back to taking care of business the only way some of us know how."

Uhhh, and how.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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