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Topics: Dick Cheney, School

Wednesday, 15 February 2006

image for Cheney  Enrolls In  Hunting School
Cheney Snags Quail

The White house announced today that Vice President Dick Cheney has enrolled in a two week course at a South Texas hunting school to try to patch up his hunting skills a bit.

Instructors at the 'Texas School For Bird Hunters' said the Vice President did quite well on his first day at the shooting range.

"We had him doing a little bit of target practice today," said Mike Meranze, lead instructor at the school. "The Vice President actually did quite well - and he hit the target most of the time. He nicked me only once and slightly wounded another instructor, but other than that he looked pretty sharp. Never the less, I don't think I'm going to have him go out and practice on any quail just yet."

Cheney spent the rest of the day visiting the wounded in the hospital and offering them his advice on how to make hunting a more safer adventure.

Meanwhile, White house officials have announced that they are now requiring their employees to wear bullet proof vests, helmets and other protective gear on future hunting trips to make sure all employees stay safe and remain alive.

The animal rights group, PETA, has pleaded with the 'quail community' to take the same protective measures, but quail representative Covey Nightingale says "the birds simply don't have the means to pay for that kind of protection."

Nightingale, head of the "The Quail Coalition" says the quail community may actually be able to get by without wearing protective gear. "With the kind of shooting skills we've been seeing out there lately," he said "we'll probably be able to get by without any protective gear," but, he added, "the birds could use some donations of warm blankets and a fresh supply of bird feed, if that's possible."

Nightingale says he plans on joining up with animal rights groups and human rights activists to protest the cruel and abusive treatment meted out to both animals and humans on hunting grounds across the country.

In the meantime, Harry Whittington, the 78-year old lawyer who was accidentally shot by the Vice President over the weekend announced that he'll be starting a new relief fund for birds caught in the line of fire.

"I've finally learned first hand what it means to get hit with bird-shot. I've experienced the pain that our feathered friends go through on a daily basis in hunting grounds across the country. And so, I'll be going on a worldwide fund-raising campaign together with former Presidents Bill Clinton and George H.W. Bush. We'll raise whatever money is necessary to put our vertebrate brethren back up on their claws."

However, the quail community says they aren't buying into any of Whittington's philanthropic gestures.

"Whittington shot a bird by the name of Macaw and went to retrieve it before he was smoked out by Cheney," a quail who wishes to remain anonymous told CNN's Paula Zahn. "We looked high and low and couldn't find Macaw's body. Now, some-body's got that body and we think its probably Whittington. The bird deserves a proper burial, and we won't rest till the body is retrieved. Unless Whittington returns the body to us, we won't touch any of his charity."

Whittington, however, says he doesn't have the body. Vice President Cheney also says he has no clue to where the body may be. They both insist it may be an inside job amongst the quail.

"Could be a family quarrel between the birds," Cheney said. "Perhaps some feathered kidnapper wants a little ransom money. I really don't know. But snatching dead bodies is common among the quail clans. They kind of remind me of those ruthless al qaeda terrorists. And they're both so hard to catch!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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