Written by Menominee
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Topics: South Carolina

Saturday, 14 January 2012

The race for the Republican Presidential nomination reached fever pitch today when, with only a week to go before the crucial South Carolina primary, one of the candidates issued a statement about something or other.

The man, thought to have once been the Governor of a mid-western state, handed his statement - closely typed on A4 paper and including a graph, or possibly a pie chart - to some passers-by outside his campaign office in Spartanburg. Later he read out the text of the statement through a megaphone in a nearby mall though details of how he conveyed the contents of the graph, or pie chart, remain hazy.

The incendiary statement subsequently prompted a flurry of retaliatory action from the other candidates. An elderly man, said by well-informed observers to be a sitting congressman from somewhere down south, condemned the statement angrily on the steps of a Town Hall, saying that the text contained several material errors and the graph, or pie chart, was upside down. Following the outburst it was pointed out to the man that he was actually in North Carolina and, upon checking a large, billowing map, he agreed and left.

Yet another man, who some think may once have been an astronaut or maybe a male model, said in an interview with an in-store shoe shop radio station that the first man was "playing fast and loose with the facts" but that the second man's condemnation of the orientation of the graph, or pie chart, was "characteristic of his sketchy grasp of foreign policy." This was hailed as a magisterial intervention. However, later in the interview he asked "What the heck is a palmetto anyway?" and this was widely considered to be an unrecoverable gaffe. 

Some more men weighed in later with denunciations of their own. A portly, grey-haired man who most people agree was something important in the nineties, said the entire episode had cast everyone but himself in the most unfavorable light and only added impetus to his plan to mine minerals on asteroids. A further man, described in his literature as 'the dark horse racing up relentlessly on the outside', said he was going home to wherever he came from to consult with his family.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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