Written by P.M. Wortham
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Tuesday, 10 January 2012

image for Gingrich to Stump for Hair Care Products after Primary Defeat
Dude, pass me my Birkenstocks.

Still stinging from the lack of support by the broader Republican caucus and the American people, Newt Gingrich will attempt to reinvent himself, again, as a spokesman for 'Just for Men' hair coloring products.

68 years old, white haired and married to his third wife, the self proclaimed "family values" candidate may be looking to make a change on a number of fronts. "Clearly the candidates with darker hair and more normal looking wives are doing better in the primaries", says political analyst and Gingrich campaign consultant, Izzy Shalloe. "Newt's new wife Callista is pretty hot in an evening dress, but she looks like she's standing there with her dad", referring to a holiday photo featuring Callista and a portly Newt with his trademark soup bowl cut silver hair.

Gingrich apparently approached the men's hair care company following recent performance on the campaign trail. "Perhaps he's due for an upgrade", commented Shalloe. The Just for Men marketing executives reportedly agreed.

Rather than get rid of Callista to find a new bride more suited to Newt's aged look, Gingrich will reportedly darken his hair, drop 25 pounds, and start wearing more casual clothes from Abercrombie & Fitch.

The first Just for Men commercial is also being scripted for Gingrich and will feature him standing, unnoticed on the steps of Congress while Romney and a throng of female supporters pass by. Then a cut away shot will feature the new Newt, with dark hair, a fresh pair of Oakley sunglasses, holding a surf board.

The script calls for Gingrich to look at an old picture of himself, then say, "WTF, man. Who was that dude? Now with Just for Men, I'm hanging with my homies, toes in the sand, shredding waves and scoring some major votes from the babes on the beach."

The commercial ends with Newt looking into the camera and declaring, "Mitt who?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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