Written by A Lias
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Topics: White House

Saturday, 4 February 2006

image for Dubya: "I am linguist bad"
US President Bush admits his "gerbil errors"

Earlier today, the White House distributed a press statement to newspapers globally. It was transcribed by secretary Sarah Peters as Bush dictated his world-wide message to her. It reads:

"My fellow Amoebas, I feel the time is right to tell you something. Something important, and something that I hope you will underestimate.

You see, when I read a speech, I am so evolved in it, I sometimes make gerbil errors. I once said that the French have no word for entrepreneur. I admit that there I was wrong. The French people, led by Jack Chicken, are actually very good at enterprising. Enterprising their ideas, selling them in motion.

But these mistakes of mine do not affect my decisions as the forty-third Prime Minister of America. The war with Iran, for instance, was justificated. Saddam Hussein had WMDs and Weapons of Mass Distraction hidden, and one day, I promise to find them. And I knew the economy may have suffered. But it's your money. You paid for it. And I think war is a dangerous place, but people always assume the worst will happen. Well, I didn't fall for any of these hypnotheoretical arguments, I did what I firmly believe is right. And when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace.

And my war on terroristism is not the shambolic idiocy that many people see it as. Although we haven't captured Osama Bin Laden, rest assured we are getting ever closer to finding them. But the only real way of finding these terrorists who hide in holes is to get people to come forth to describe the location of the hole, to give us clues and data. And without that knowledge, what can we really do?

Your belief in me as US President is not unfounded. I have done many things for this country - I've made friends with British President Tony, I've commented on the importance of other countries* and most importantly, I have sworn to reduce the admissions of various harmful gases.

Because of these, people tend to get mexed missages of what I truly mean. But I think the American people are smart enough to see past any mistakes I've made. Any slight slips of the tongue that made my true meaning of speech distorted are unreversable, but I am deeply sorry. I really am sorry for any misinterpretations that may have aroused.

What I am trying to say, and hopefully succeeding in doing, is saying that perhaps my Bushisms - as I believe they are affectionately called - are not such a bad thing. A source of humour for everyone worldwide, to lighten dark moods in hours of need. But also make linguistical advances - I have, after all, created new words like misunderstanding. These will prolong the memory of me in the lexicons of the future.

I am setting out to prove that I am not stupid, or indeed of less intelligence than others. Nor am I a bumbling Texan with no ideas or views on how to run a country. I am fighting to help America run into the twentieth century at lightening speed, to help the economic state, to help people who find it hard to put food on their family and to help small business growth - I was one myself.

Let me make this known to the rest of the world, America does not stand for people who can't speak. America stands for liberty, for the pursuit of happiness, and for the unalienalienable right of life."

The President of America will next week be involved in an open forum where "you're able to come and listen to what I have to say".

*November 7th, 2005 - "Wow! Brazil is big."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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