Written by PP Rega
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Saturday, 10 December 2011

image for Grandma Gets Arrested, Tased, Killed, and Brought Back to Life Because She Fed a Goose

An 85-year-old grandmother was arrested last night in Baton Rouge, Louisiana for feeding wild geese. Mrs. Sadie DuBois was placed under arrest when she was witnessed feeding dried corn to the local geese inhabiting Stonewall Jackson Park.

According to police reports, Mrs. DuBois had repeatedly been warned to cease and desist from feeding the geese. US Fish and Game wardens specifically went to her home to explain to her that her act of kindness could only serve to make the geese more and more aggressive and dangerous to the local citizens.

According to Fish and Wildlife Chief Inspector Mae Marsh, "Feeding wild animals subconsciously makes them feel they deserve free food and will attack and do harm in order to get more. That's why there are laws in placeĀ…to protect our citizens."

Nevertheless, despite this rationale, Sadie returned again and again to feed her avian friends and openly flout the law.

Last night, the police staked out the park and when they witnessed her feeding the geese, they began the process of placing her arms behind her back to handcuff her. As they were doing that, one of her shoulders dislocated and she began screaming. That caused the police to subdue her with their tasers. Unfortunately, after the tenth hit she went into cardio-respiratory arrest. It was only after an heroic effort on the part of EMS that she was brought back to life. However, she had multiple rib fractures and a pneumothorax secondary to the CPR. She was admitted in serious condition to Baton Rouge General.

Hospital spokesperson, Peter Phillia, stated that it was his opinion that Sadie will never feed the geese again. The transient loss of oxygen to her brain during CPR caused her to lose function of her arms.

"The law finally won. She's going to have a damn hard time wiping her ass let alone feeding the geese," concluded Mr. Phillia.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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