Written by mikewadestr
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Thursday, 1 December 2011

image for Department Store Santa was Pepper Sprayed by Vindictive Kid
I knew I should have called in sick today.

A Pasadena, California Stacy's department store Santa was pepper sprayed this afternoon by a kid bent on revenge for not getting what he asked for, for last year's Christmas. The kid, eight year old local bully Bugger Maloney, wanted to see Santa in person to deliver his Christmas list and send him a message explaining the gravity of the situation.

"This was absolutely the worst thing that ever happened to me in my entire life, except for the time my X-Box stopped working", lamented Stacy's store Santa Sammy Saint-Nicked. "The spray burned the hell out of my eyes, nose and throat. Not only could I not see, but I could barely breathe. As a matter of fact, it appears that I have lost my 'ho'. How am I going to make any money without my 'ho'?"

"What makes matters worse is that a bunch of pepper spray got on the Ginger-Snap cookies the last kid gave me".

"I'm so made that after work I'm going to go to one of those church bingo games and find someone's grandma who is playing with 10 bingo cards and punch her lights out. Afterwards I'll say to her: 'So let's see you play with 10 bingo cards now granny'".

Bugger Maloney was arrested shortly after the incident and told police that he was really mad at Santa for not giving him a Frankenstein Monster for last year's Christmas. He was going to bring the Frankenstein Monster to school so that he could see the look on Principal Book's face before the monster beat the crap out of him. Instead, Santa gave him a GI Joe doll which was pretty worthless because his head blew off with just 2 M-80 firecrackers.

When asked where he got the pepper spray, Maloney answered: "From my sister's Barbie Doll set that she got for Christmas last year".

What Bugger Maloney did not tell the police is that he had another can of pepper spray in his back pocket that he stole from his mother's purse. Needless to say, the police found out about it when Bugger Maloney pulled it out and pepper sprayed them and then drove off with one of their cruisers heading north on Route 210 to San Fernando.
A wild police chase ensued with speeds topping out over 120 mph during which Bugger Maloney managed to pull over six cars and cited the driver for driving a wimpy car.

The chase finally ended at Whiteman Airport in LA's Pacoima district where Maloney smashed into the back of John Travolta's Mercedes parked in the parking lot with John Travolta still in it. When Maloney tried to make a break from the wreck Travolta quickly pepper sprayed him.

Maloney is now locked up in the Pasadena City jail awaiting trial due to the fact that he has been denied bail.

At press time we are told that Bugger Maloney has revised his Christmas list and is now asking Santa for a cake with a file in it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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