Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 21 November 2011

image for Officer John Pike Gives Three Reasons Why He Pepper Sprayed The Students At The University of California at Davis
Officer Johnny "Mr. Pepper Spray" Pike shown second from left. (Photo courtesy of Bristol Palin).

DAVIS, California - With two long sprays from his bottle of industrial pepper spray campus police officer Johnny Pike has just become the most hated man in America since John Wilkes Booth.

According to Ling Chow Rangoon of iRumors who covered the event along with dozens of news reporters, the college students were merely sitting in a campus park having a picnic.

She said they were not bothering anyone when Officer Pike asked them to grab their sandwiches, chips, and diet soft drinks and move to another part of the park.

When one student politely asked why, she was told by the officer, "Because I said so and I have a 9 millimeter Glock, a baton, a hand grenade, handcuffs, pepper spray, and a whistle."

"A hand grenade?" Asked one of the students.

"I think the hand grenade is a fake." Shouted another student. "Because I can clearly see that it says Mattel on the side."

Officer Pike asked the students once again to move or he would pepper spray them and the nasty burning stuff would get all over their sandwiches and chips and they would not taste worth a damn.

No one moved.

Pike then took out his pepper spray can and said that he was going to give them to the count of 10 to move.

He began counting very slowly "1,2,4,3,5,6 8,7,9,10."

The students did not budge and they started singing the song "Layla" by Eric Clapton.

Rangoon said that at that point Officer Chubby Pike, as his fellow officers call him, took out his red can of pepper spray and began spraying the students.

After he finished he did it again just in case he had missed some of the sandwiches and chips.

Afterwards Rangoon interviewed Officer Pike.

"Tell me sir, why did you feel that you had to step on the First Amendment rights of the students who were just sitting there having a picnic?"

Pike simply shrugged his riot-gear covered shoulders without saying a word.

"What happened to the right of free speech for all Americans regardless of age, gender, height, weight, religion, or eating habits?"

At that point Officer Pike spoke up, "Listen up lady, there are three reasons why I pepper sprayed the perps. One, they said that I looked like a Star Wars storm trooper wannabe on steroids. Two, they said that I resembled the policeman in the Village People, and three...they ah...they said...ah...that...ah...well I forget number three."

Rangoon asked, "Isn't pepper spraying people who are merely sitting down having a campus picnic overkill, or in this case overspray?"

Officer Johnny Dimples, as his wife calls him, remarked "I will have you know that two years ago, during our family's Thanksgiving get together I actually had to end up pepper spraying my wife's grandmother because we were watching TV, and I was cheering against her favorite team the Detroit Lions."

Pike went on to say that his grandmother-in-law, Gladiola Finnfiggle, 93, became so mad at him that she actually took out her dentures and threw them at him striking him on his officer's badge and landing on the piece of pumpkin pie he was eating.

He said that at that point he jumped up and asked all of the kids to leave the room immediately and as soon as they did, he took out his can of pepper spray and hit Finnfiggle one time.

Pike said that he was then nice enough to help his wife and grandfather pick the screaming old woman off of the linoleum floor and carry her outside where they hosed her down with the garden hose for a better part of five minutes.

SIDENOTE: The University of California at Davis President Mark G. Yudof has placed Officer Johnny Pike on administrative leave. He will be conducting a complete investigation including DNA Testing, SAT Testing, an IQ Test, a Rochard Test, and a Pap Smear. Yudof has promised that if and when Pike returns to duty that he will be confined to being a campus meter maid.

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