Written by Jehu
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Topics: France, Europe

Tuesday, 24 January 2006

image for US Outsources Torture, American Jobs

Strasbourg, France -- The Council of Europe announced today that there is strong evidence that the US has "outsourced" torture to some eastern European sites, most likely to take advantage of cost savings and tax breaks in low-wage countries.

Swiss Senator Dick Marty, who lead the investigation, delivered his preliminary report today alleging that at the hands of the CIA, "Â…individuals have been abducted, deprived of their liberty and transported to different destinations in Europe, to be handed over to countries in which they have suffered degrading treatment and torture," thus depriving western torture workers, or "excruciation technicians", of their livelihood. Marty went on to say that it was "highly unlikely" that European governments were unaware of the flagrant violation of union contracts.

The US seems to be caught in the rapidly accelerating trend of relocating labor-intensive activities to developing nations where they can realize cost advantages. Such diverse industries as Manufacturing, IT, Financial Services, and Pay-Per-Minute Phone Sex have been offshoring ever greater numbers of operations and personnel, first to India and Asia, and lately to Eastern Europe. Host governments are often willing to provide beneficial tax treatment and little in the way of invasive regulation.

"The benefits are staggering," brags a senior CIA official who asked not to be named. "Do you have any idea what it costs to find someone in America that speaks Arabic and is willing to pull out fingernails with a pair of pliers? A fortune, that's what. Then on top of the hourly, we gotta give them medical, dental, pension, and smoke breaks every hour. Someone gets head butted by a prisoner, that's a workers' comp. claim. The unions are really busting our balls on this. But in Macedonia, there are guys on every street corner, happy for a day's work. Outsourcing of torture represents an enormous savings for the American taxpayer. And habeas corpus? Well let me put it this way: not many people over there speak Latin," he chuckles.

But despite the fiscal benefits, not everyone is happy about the government's actions. "I got a family to feed; you know what I'm saying?" laments Stan Lobowski, a torture worker from Hoboken, NJ who specializes in sleep deprivation. Lobowski used to contract with the CIA about once a month, but he says that lately the work has become increasingly scarce. "I'm a trained professional, and I do good work," he says. "Sure the rates are a little high, but nobody breaks some guy's spirit like me. Seventy, eighty hours of being woken up with cold water and a cattle prod, he'll tell you whatever you want to know. But now they got some guy kicking him in the ribs for eight bucks an hour. Where's the skill? Where's the finesse?"

When asked whether he thinks public outrage at the Council of Europe report will help his situation, Lobowski just sighs. "I don't know. They got lots of people keepin' an eye on this stuff, the UN, some human rights watchdogs or whatever, sure. But those guys ain't gonna pay for my kid's braces, are they?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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